February 27, 2014

on being a mother.

via
 
motherhood has been especially present in my life recently. many friends who are pregnant, a few who have recently given birth, relief society lessons, articles, conversations about bringing tiny humans down to earth & what that really means. our next door neighbors had a little girl, and when we brought them dinner, they were glowing. i'm sure niether of them had slept adequetly in at least a week--but the mother looked like a princess. i had never seen her look so beautiful. and the dad, he had this added measure of manliess that was almost startling. it was all supernal.
 
i heard a story of a girl my age who was trying to turn her life around after years of living in darkness. she sat one evening, exhausted and discouraged at her minimal progress and the miles she still had to go. she heard three voices, three little girls encouraging her. "you can do it, mom! we are counting on you!" for the first time, i thought about my little spirits up there in heaven, waiting for the day jordan, god, and i are ready to bring some brand new stastny's down here with us.
 
almost immediately, the urgent thought that succeeded, 'what am i doing to prepare myself to being their mother? what are my babies up there cheering for me to overcome?' we are not planning on children for several more years, but when that time comes--what will i have done to be entrusted with a little spirit? am i taking this sacred responsibility of motherhood seriously? am i spiritually ready to lead a family? the answer is, who knows. but i am going to start trying to get ready. although the task is more daunting than any research project or corporate position that i will ever be given, i am so excited.
 
i can't wait to squeeze their baby cheeks and watch their personalities develop, to watch them form opinions and find their passions, to smother them with every form of love i know.
 
i hope that they see the world through rose colored glasses. i hope they love everyone, especially their savior. i hope they are excited about life & all of it's possibilities. i hope they work hard. i hope they love to laugh. i hope they find magic in every day.
 
i hope i can be the sort of person to teach them all of these things. i hope i know how to hand them all of the love that resides in my heart. & i hope they know how deeply i love them already.
 
 
"if you try your best to be the best parent you can be, you will have done all that a human being can do and all that god expects you to do."

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February 25, 2014

5 things.

jennie tagged me on instagram to post 5 things about myself. since i've already done it there, i'd thought i'd come up with a few new ones here.
 


i have literally been FREAKING OUT at the warm tempuratures this last week. i cannot get enough! also, i found my dream house while walking around provo the other day. is this not the cutest place on the planet?
 
 
1. the day i met my husband, i bolted past him and didn't hear him ask for my name. (i was on my way to the bathroom to throw up after an intense workout.) he thought i was being rude--and somehow it still ended up working out. :)
 
2. i am completely fascinated with buddhism. everything about it--nirvana, the dharma, meditation, is all so gorgeous & so interesting. consequently, thailand is my number one destination. other than the kennedy's, i have read the most books about this religion.
 
3. two decembers ago, i ran into a metal pole in our parking garage and gave myself a swollen face/black eye. we had only been married a few months, and poor jordan got a lot of dirty looks when people saw my face. haha! we're pretty sure i cracked my nose, too, although just slightly. telling that story over & over got a little embarassing.
 
4. i am OBSESSED with biting and kissing and touching other people's ears. (especially baby ears, they are so soft!) i started playing with my own ears while i sucked my thumb as a baby--and continued the habit until the cartilage in my ears turned soft. i can fold my ears inside themselves and love to touch anyone's ears. (mostly my husband's & siblings.) is this creepy yet?
 
5. i love almost every type of music, but man--nothing brings me home like blasting 'where the streets have no name' or 'sweetest thing.' U2 will forever be my favorite band.
 
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February 20, 2014

happy list 02.

 
laughing until we cry.
brian williams rapping.
spending the whole day with jordan & nobody else.
house of cards.
feeling hope in a dire circumstance.
the promise of spring around the corner.
making friends at school.
valentines boquets still chillin' in my living room.
nickelcade.
late night slurpee runs.
feeling motivated.
holding hands.
giving gifts to people that i love.
late-night life chats.
'the eating establishment' in park city.
the color blue.
polaroids.
 
 
 



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February 18, 2014

park city.



 
>>> we spent the long weekend up in park city--good friends, fabulous food, & lots of immature fun, my favorite kind! (aka finding an empty conference room in our hotel & playing soccer with a yoga ball. i don't think we damaged anything...? also, we downloaded a synthesizer app that we could rap to, & that provided hours of fun.) a city skyline is my favorite kind of beautiful--but man, those pc mountains! they feel like nirvana.
 
>>> in my sister's letter last night, she gave an excerpt from a talk she heard this week, & it's been lingering with me since. sometimes i feel just that, broken. so imperfect. but it is in this broken-ness that i can grow, become better, & hear that little reminder whispering to me that i am doing just fine.
 
 "it takes broken clouds to make rain,
 broken earth to plant grain,
broken seed to grow grain,
broken grain to make bread,
and broken bread to save us.
it takes a broken savior to heal us."
 
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February 14, 2014

happy valentines day!

video
 
"we were together. i forget the rest."
-walt whitman

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February 13, 2014

a promise.

 
 
>>> i realized yesterday that i need to make myself a promise. to never complain about college ever again. there are too many people worldwide who never have the chance for an education--and a lot of people within this country would laugh at the possibility of attending a university. i don't care that to compete in the world i live in, i have to get an education--that doesn't take away the simple fact that it is a privilege.
 
>>> and i love school, i really do. i gripe and get stressed and complain, but i feel like my world, through education, is slowly becoming illuminated, one piece at a time. the more i learn, the more viewpoints i look through, the more i question the system--the more my black + white world turns to color. and although i will never even near knowing it all, the color i see now sure is stunning.
 
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February 11, 2014

our weekend // 02.08

card games, chicken sandwhiches, pie shakes, gossip girl.
grocery shopping & intramural basketball games.
making new friends, noodles & co.
lifting weights & a temple session.
gloomy + cozy weather.
donnie osmond sighting.
costume shops, then a muder mystery dinner party.
husband is guilty, we have a dance party.
valentines cookies, brisk walks, and walking dead party. (barf.)







 
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February 6, 2014

my sister missionaries.

 


isn't ashlyn the cutest thing you've ever seen? her smile, ah! it kills me. she is so happy it's insane. she just got transferred to the heart of philadelphia--she is loving the city & enthusiastic about her work. she is becoming a woman--i can feel it in her words. they are dripping with optimism, faith, and a sincere, deep, life-changing love of christ. 

ciara opened her call on saturday and is headed to TAHITI, PAPEETE in june! she would hop on a plane for french polynesia this instant if she could--her anticipation is palpable, and so is her love for the people of tahiti that she hasn't even met. she is so unafraid and brave--you can see passion for the gospel in her eyes.

seeing these girls is my testament: with all of the craziness of the world stirring around us, there is so much good to be found. so much light. they are sunshine to the world, & i could not be more proud to call them mine.

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February 4, 2014

tidbits of our apartment.

ah, this tiny apartment in all of it's 500 square foot glory. i love this space - and after 5 months of living here, it's starting to feel like ours.
 







 
 
i love our fridge that's crowded with polaroids & photo strips, i love stuffing loved ones into our little living room to play games, eat, and watch movies together, i love when jordan chases me through the hallway of a kitchen to tackle me on the bed, i love not having a dishwasher and washing everything by hand, (unexpected) i love the weak, filtered light that comes in through our miniature bedroom window, but most of all, i love the comfort and love that i feel we have injected into our pint-sized space.
 
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