March 27, 2014

our engagement story.

i have been feeling extra mushy lately & thought i'd share the story of how we got engaged, straight out of my journal.

let me just preface this all by saying, i toootally knew it was coming. jordan had returned from a trip to his wyoming cabin the day before, and we were taking a trip to utah to see friends the day after. i had been putting the pressure on to get that ring on my finger so that i didn’t feel so LAME making wedding plans without an actual fiancĂ©e. i was like 97% sure this was the night—which was nice. i painted my fingernails, took a little extra time getting pretty, and (tried) to calm some excitement jitters.
jordan picked me up & i could tell he was excited, i could see it in his face. he looked so  handsome in his grey button up, with his beard neatly trimmed. we got in the car & he instructed me to put on a blindfold so he could surprise me with our activities for the night.
i get carsick really easily, so i requested to go sans blindfold. he laughed at me, and gave me my way. we drove to pf changs, our favorite restaurant, and one frequented during our time dating. an older couple in the lobby told us what an adorable couple we were, we ordered lettuce wraps, we reminisced.
all of the nerves had melted away at that point—we had fallen into our groove. the whole night felt natural and reminded me why i wanted to marry him! we just click, we always have. conversation comes naturally, there are visible sparks between us, as well as a natural admiration for one another’s talents—different as they may be.
we drove to a presbyterian church and climbed up onto the roof to watch the sun set. (another activity we had frequented.) we raced down the slats like a slide, and i mentally prepared myself for a ring to be popped out at the bottom. nope, just a hand to help me down and back into the car.
he then asked gently, with a bit of tremor in his voice, ‘kayla, would you put on the blindfold now?’
after a few turns i lost where we were, and the butterflies started playing around in my stomach, flying up into my throat and catching my breath. we drove in silent anticipation. i felt like i was slowly, slowly climbing to the top of the roller coaster. i was nervous, but couldn’t wait for the drop.
he stopped the car. we got out, and it took me a few moments to place where we were.
we were standing in the starbucks parking lot where, on our first date, we had talked for hours. where we had first clicked. where i had first thought about kissing him. it was abandoned, quiet, filled with bright tension. romantic situations usually make me squirmy, but this was different. it was simple & sweet. perfect for us.
i honestly don’t remember any of the sweet words jordan said to me in those moments, although im sure he spent time preparing them. he called my by my full name, and asked me to marry him as we embraced.  i remember being dumfounded at my ring, (it is stunning!) not saying anything, and then finally exclaiming ‘of course!’ and we both laughed. i laughed because i felt relief that i could finally call him my fiancĂ©, and relief that i had just formally made the most important decision of my life. and i knew it was the right one.

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March 25, 2014

the perfect afternoon.

on saturday afternoon, jordan and i rented a tandem bike and rode around byu campus for a while. the weather was flawless--a perfect 70 and sunny. both of us were delirious from a night of no-sleep (me-- girl's sleepover. him--poker night.) so EVERYTHING sent us into fits of giggles. (& only once did jordan only almost kill us by trying to ride without handlebars!) it was blissful and i couldn't wipe this dorky grin off my face the whole time. we stopped at swig to grab some mango powerades and i had the thought, could life get any better right now? thanks you, provo & jordan, for the perfect day!

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March 20, 2014

happy list 03.

+ even more books about the kennedys. (i can't stop!)
+ a surprise couples massage last weekend.
+ seeing my family for the first time since the holidays.
+ rock canyon + sunshine.
+ march madness.
+ jordan taking on a whole new personality when he speaks in a british accent.
+ scoring tickets to provo's fashion week.
+ finding old playlists full of chuck berry + vampire weekend.
+ veggie straws.
+ skipping your next class because you're too deep in conversation to go anywhere.
+ experimenting with our panoramic cameras.
+ planning a trip to san francisco. (where we honeymooned!)

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March 18, 2014

19 months & as mushy as ever.

dear jordan,

a few weeks ago, i had the thought, ‘i think we’re about to hit 18 months of marriage!’ (also, yes we will be celebrating our marriage by months, at least until we have kids & then we can celebrate them by months.) then i did that math in my head and realized i was a month short. i did the math again yesterday and i lost a finger or something that day, because i was right all along. it’s been almost 19 months now, and sometimes i can’t even believe it.

this year and a half has been incredible. it’s has been so hard and so richly rewarding, in ways i didn’t even know existed. it has tested me right to my core—there have been days where i have bawled in my parked car and exclaimed aloud, to god i suppose, ‘i can’t do this!’ i have realized how stubborn and abhorrently selfish i am.  it’s actually very embarrassing how selfish i can be. but god has helped me see so that i can make it better, so that i can learn. i’ve learned mostly on my terms, but i’m working on that, too.

there was the time where we couldn’t pay our rent + tithing, and we took the leap of faith and said, ‘hi god, you know those stories we’ve heard about money miracles? yeah, we’re ready for ours.’ and then we got it. we paid tithing first, & i got a surprise bonus at work and wa-laaa! we still had an apartment to live in.

there was the time this week on the phone, where you choked up while thanking me for taking interest in and supporting your dreams. maaaan, you can make me feel like a million bucks. knowing that i’ve found the most tender corner of your heart to occupy, that’s it. that is all that i need.

there are those countless times that i have sobbed on my knees because i feel so overwhelmingly undeserving, and i don’t even know how to say thank you to Him for letting me have you. every time i think to list my blessings, you pop up first. every. time.

when i picture our relationship from the outside, i see us sitting on the edge of our bed, discussing the most important of topics with a sense of sacredness. it’s all terribly romantic—how we laugh as best friends, how you always grab my face when you kiss me, how we cry hard and hold each other after we fight. it is a great love. it is a powerful love. i don’t know if you find this more than once in a lifetime—and if you don’t, i guess it doesn’t matter, although it makes me sad for people who have lost theirs. it’s a game changer, and… i’m about to go a little hoaxy on us here—this whole thing, it’s changed me.

i don’t know if i believe in the idea of a ‘soul mate’, but maybe i’ve just heard too many high schoolers use the term. all i know is that when you reach over, half awake, and pull me close in the weak morning light, my soul glows. it almost hurts, like a deep and intense ache, how much i really care. how i feel like you are part of me. it sometimes feels tragic, like it’s too beautiful to be flawless.

marriage has shaved away the bullshit from life. what’s left is a real connection and raw emotion. and some days, all that’s left is the willingness, the sheer determination of two people, hashing it out, to be better. it’s so obviously necessarily for me to go through all of this. i see that that so clearly it rings. it’s been personal growth in the worst and most spectacular way.

sometimes i picture you as the powerful, accomplished, and refined man that you have waiting inside of you, slowly revealing itself to the world. i would be so proud just to be on your arm, through it all. consequently, i like that you won’t accept me as just a necessary part of life for you—you push me as an individual and want me to be my own person. i love that you take pride in even my smallest accomplishments and never put them up against yours. i love that you have taught me how to love myself and how to make sacrifices for others you love.

i am grateful for it all—the magnificent love, the lessons, the truly superb life that is marriage to someone you love so deeply. there is nothing more magical.

thanks for these 19 months, jordan. i look forward to the next billion!
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March 13, 2014

be wise magazine.

i am thrilled to have recently been added to the be wise team. holy crap, what are they are doing is SO inspired--reading the magazine feels like i'm talking to one of my girlfriends. it's full of interesting, beautiful things & lots of inspiration. not heavy, but not too fluffy. just my style.

the whole idea of the magazine is in it's name, be wise. it's an aid to living an inspired life. being wise about how you take care of your body, being wise about how you create, being wise about you worship, and most importantly--being wise about how you treat yourself. it's centered around building eachother up & sharing positive messages to eachother as human beings, and as women.
i met with the ceo a litle while ago, & it was like friendship at first sight. you guys, she is perfect. she patiently listened to my thousands of ideas that i couldn't seem to spit out fast enough. i am just pleased as punch about this whole thing. so pleased. i would not be taking on another project if i weren't passionate about it, but i am! i just feel so good about this. it feels right. it feels like me. i want to add everything i can to this awesome publication. i can't wait to share more.
check it out here & contact me if you would like to be featured, or know of someone you think would be great.
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March 11, 2014

at a crossroads.

tracy hill

over the past few weeks, jordan and i have been discussing some changes in his career plan, which consequently change my plans as well. we are young + there are a thousand opportunities. it’s exciting.

i don’t think i realized how important ambition was in a companion until i have seen it embodied in my husband. i am so grateful for his drive and his iron-will. he gets shiz done. he will have a wonderful career, he will see a lot of success, and he will be grateful for the sacrifices he made to provide a good life for us. i see so many other husbands say, ‘im not really sure what we’re doing, we will figure it out,’ or ‘yeah, i guess this will do for now,’ and although there’s nothing wrong with that, i like the proactive stance.

i don’t want a quiet, simple life--at least not yet. i want to get out there and work hard. i want to make something of myself, and i want jordan to reach for the stars. he wants the same.

the small change he wants to make will put us in NY right after graduation, as opposed to a few years after. ah, new york. i can almost feel my heart beat faster and smell the excitement when i think about it. the land of opportunity, and the subject of my daydreams. i crave being in the center of it all, i crave the madness.

however, this change will also have him working 90 hour weeks for the first few years of his career. this will essentially leave me widowed, save for a few nights and maybe an afternoon or two. i know that i can handle this—it will force me to make an individual life for myself there & go outside of my own world. it will be hard, but i believe it will be good for our marriage. i want to support him & help him accomplish all he wants to.  i’m sure many with scoff and cry ‘corporate sellout’ but ya know what? he is very talented, has twice the work ethic of most, & his work ultimately makes the american economy go round. that’s good enough for me.

however, these lingering doubts keep crawling their way up into my head. how much am i willing to give up for career success? will those years end up seeing us drift apart? if we are willing to work 90 hours a week, will we get used to it? what else will we be willing to do? at what point has family become second tier, and work first tier? how do we start a family in those circumstances? do we start a family?

i worry about finding myself 10, 20 years down the road with a family more disjointed than i’d wanted. relying on money to fill in spaces that people should fill. a life separate from that of my husband’s, and a canyon full of things we don’t have time to tell each other. a home that’s not full of love, and only love. and full of regrets. however, i worry about finding myself at the same 10, 20 year mark wishing we would have made more sacrifices, and wishing that we would have just gone for it while we were young.

some people say, ‘live while you’re young! you can always slow down later! you can’t climb the ladder at 35!’ but other voices that i’ve never listened to before are telling me to use caution. to make sure my priorities are well in line.

i feel a little torn—i want to be smart about these things & think them through, but i also don’t want to live my life in fear of losing everything i hold dear. jordan and i are good people. we love each other. a part of me knows that is enough to get us through. i’m not sure where that grey area is—between a balanced career-home life and a life where the career takes too much precedent. i don’t know if that’s a number of hours home per week, or if it’s more of a mental state. but i trust that we will know when to pull back.

we had some friends over on sunday that told us working crazy hours made them fall more in love—they really valued that time spent together, put a lot of emphasis on the little things, and learned to take pride in each other’s accomplishments. i can only pray that our relationship will fare the same way, and that someday i will look back on our youth and be so proud of the choices that we’ve made.

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March 6, 2014

sib love.

yesterday, someone asked me about my siblings--as i delved into a description of each one that was probably a little longer than she wanted, i realized how obsessed with them i am.
>>> ashlyn--19, perfect sense of humor, iron-will, best friend. she's the most unselfish person i know--and although she is the favorite child, she is also the family bully :)
>>> talmage--16, 6'5'', perfect combination of nerd and athlete. a tender heart i didn't know teenage boys could possess. wears a fanny pack every day. i've been in love with him since he was born, claiming him as my baby. can't wait to see him play college ball in a few years.
>>> mia--12, vibrant auburn hair. the vocabulary, determination and ambition of a 30 year old. hilariously sweet underneath her teenager attitude. will be a ceo someday.
maybe it's part of being the oldest, but those three are so close to my heart it could just melt--& although this sends me into 'crazy' territory, heaven help the person that wants to date one of them. :)

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March 4, 2014

life around here // march 2014

+ we haven't been seeing very much of eachother due to midterms, but we've been trying to make up for lost time on the weekends with dinner date's at chile's, netflix, blanket forts, and mcdonald's runs.
 + were introduced to 'sodalicious' by a few friends and can't stop going, literally. also i ate a cinnamon roll the size of my head at provo city bakery.
+ got asked to participate in some communication research (& hopefully publish as an undergrad!) that i am really excited about.
+ jordan has been considering a few different career paths to lead him to his ultimate goal of private equity. these changes to our plan are both parts thrilling and terrifying. regardless, we still have great lives ahead of us.
+ jordan surprised me with my second bouquet of flowers (non-roses, does anyone else not love roses? they are gorgeous, but i don't love them.) in a month! homeboy is doing me right.
+ we have been making new friends. i love adding new people to my life.
+ we are going to portland in may--and then mexico/jamaica in june! (& hopefully a vegas getaway in the next few weeks..) having vacations to look forward to always helps me get through this homestretch to spring and finals. hooray for march!

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