19 months & as mushy as ever.

dear jordan,

a few weeks ago, i had the thought, ‘i think we’re about to hit 18 months of marriage!’ (also, yes we will be celebrating our marriage by months, at least until we have kids & then we can celebrate them by months.) then i did that math in my head and realized i was a month short. i did the math again yesterday and i lost a finger or something that day, because i was right all along. it’s been almost 19 months now, and sometimes i can’t even believe it.

this year and a half has been incredible. it’s has been so hard and so richly rewarding, in ways i didn’t even know existed. it has tested me right to my core—there have been days where i have bawled in my parked car and exclaimed aloud, to god i suppose, ‘i can’t do this!’ i have realized how stubborn and abhorrently selfish i am.  it’s actually very embarrassing how selfish i can be. but god has helped me see so that i can make it better, so that i can learn. i’ve learned mostly on my terms, but i’m working on that, too.

there was the time where we couldn’t pay our rent + tithing, and we took the leap of faith and said, ‘hi god, you know those stories we’ve heard about money miracles? yeah, we’re ready for ours.’ and then we got it. we paid tithing first, & i got a surprise bonus at work and wa-laaa! we still had an apartment to live in.

there was the time this week on the phone, where you choked up while thanking me for taking interest in and supporting your dreams. maaaan, you can make me feel like a million bucks. knowing that i’ve found the most tender corner of your heart to occupy, that’s it. that is all that i need.

there are those countless times that i have sobbed on my knees because i feel so overwhelmingly undeserving, and i don’t even know how to say thank you to Him for letting me have you. every time i think to list my blessings, you pop up first. every. time.

when i picture our relationship from the outside, i see us sitting on the edge of our bed, discussing the most important of topics with a sense of sacredness. it’s all terribly romantic—how we laugh as best friends, how you always grab my face when you kiss me, how we cry hard and hold each other after we fight. it is a great love. it is a powerful love. i don’t know if you find this more than once in a lifetime—and if you don’t, i guess it doesn’t matter, although it makes me sad for people who have lost theirs. it’s a game changer, and… i’m about to go a little hoaxy on us here—this whole thing, it’s changed me.

i don’t know if i believe in the idea of a ‘soul mate’, but maybe i’ve just heard too many high schoolers use the term. all i know is that when you reach over, half awake, and pull me close in the weak morning light, my soul glows. it almost hurts, like a deep and intense ache, how much i really care. how i feel like you are part of me. it sometimes feels tragic, like it’s too beautiful to be flawless.

marriage has shaved away the bullshit from life. what’s left is a real connection and raw emotion. and some days, all that’s left is the willingness, the sheer determination of two people, hashing it out, to be better. it’s so obviously necessarily for me to go through all of this. i see that that so clearly it rings. it’s been personal growth in the worst and most spectacular way.

sometimes i picture you as the powerful, accomplished, and refined man that you have waiting inside of you, slowly revealing itself to the world. i would be so proud just to be on your arm, through it all. consequently, i like that you won’t accept me as just a necessary part of life for you—you push me as an individual and want me to be my own person. i love that you take pride in even my smallest accomplishments and never put them up against yours. i love that you have taught me how to love myself and how to make sacrifices for others you love.

i am grateful for it all—the magnificent love, the lessons, the truly superb life that is marriage to someone you love so deeply. there is nothing more magical.

thanks for these 19 months, jordan. i look forward to the next billion!
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  1. this is seriously so darling. I'm at work and I'm trying to hide aways my emotions. I hope that my marriage is as deep and sincere as yours. We sure are trying but, goodness, we have a long ways to go.

    xo. m.

    1. mila, you always say the sweetest things. marriage is so wonderful, you will love it so much! (i'm sure you already do!) also, i feel like i want to be friends outside of blog-world. let's get together!

  2. I love this! It's exactly how I feel about my husband [who, incidentally, I've also been married to for 19 months! Twins! Haha :)]. It's just the best feeling in the world to be so completely loved and adored by someone who you so completely love and adore :)


    1. [apparently I cannot do math either. I have been married almost 22 months. Haha!]

  3. I love you for loving Jordan so much. Seriously, could he have asked for a better wife? I don't think so. Let's meet/hang out next time you guys are up in Boise. Sorry we never got around to meeting you in Salt Lake!!


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