March 11, 2014

at a crossroads.


tracy hill


over the past few weeks, jordan and i have been discussing some changes in his career plan, which consequently change my plans as well. we are young + there are a thousand opportunities. it’s exciting.

i don’t think i realized how important ambition was in a companion until i have seen it embodied in my husband. i am so grateful for his drive and his iron-will. he gets shiz done. he will have a wonderful career, he will see a lot of success, and he will be grateful for the sacrifices he made to provide a good life for us. i see so many other husbands say, ‘im not really sure what we’re doing, we will figure it out,’ or ‘yeah, i guess this will do for now,’ and although there’s nothing wrong with that, i like the proactive stance.

i don’t want a quiet, simple life--at least not yet. i want to get out there and work hard. i want to make something of myself, and i want jordan to reach for the stars. he wants the same.

the small change he wants to make will put us in NY right after graduation, as opposed to a few years after. ah, new york. i can almost feel my heart beat faster and smell the excitement when i think about it. the land of opportunity, and the subject of my daydreams. i crave being in the center of it all, i crave the madness.

however, this change will also have him working 90 hour weeks for the first few years of his career. this will essentially leave me widowed, save for a few nights and maybe an afternoon or two. i know that i can handle this—it will force me to make an individual life for myself there & go outside of my own world. it will be hard, but i believe it will be good for our marriage. i want to support him & help him accomplish all he wants to.  i’m sure many with scoff and cry ‘corporate sellout’ but ya know what? he is very talented, has twice the work ethic of most, & his work ultimately makes the american economy go round. that’s good enough for me.

however, these lingering doubts keep crawling their way up into my head. how much am i willing to give up for career success? will those years end up seeing us drift apart? if we are willing to work 90 hours a week, will we get used to it? what else will we be willing to do? at what point has family become second tier, and work first tier? how do we start a family in those circumstances? do we start a family?

i worry about finding myself 10, 20 years down the road with a family more disjointed than i’d wanted. relying on money to fill in spaces that people should fill. a life separate from that of my husband’s, and a canyon full of things we don’t have time to tell each other. a home that’s not full of love, and only love. and full of regrets. however, i worry about finding myself at the same 10, 20 year mark wishing we would have made more sacrifices, and wishing that we would have just gone for it while we were young.

some people say, ‘live while you’re young! you can always slow down later! you can’t climb the ladder at 35!’ but other voices that i’ve never listened to before are telling me to use caution. to make sure my priorities are well in line.

i feel a little torn—i want to be smart about these things & think them through, but i also don’t want to live my life in fear of losing everything i hold dear. jordan and i are good people. we love each other. a part of me knows that is enough to get us through. i’m not sure where that grey area is—between a balanced career-home life and a life where the career takes too much precedent. i don’t know if that’s a number of hours home per week, or if it’s more of a mental state. but i trust that we will know when to pull back.

we had some friends over on sunday that told us working crazy hours made them fall more in love—they really valued that time spent together, put a lot of emphasis on the little things, and learned to take pride in each other’s accomplishments. i can only pray that our relationship will fare the same way, and that someday i will look back on our youth and be so proud of the choices that we’ve made.


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10 comments:

  1. Nick & I do that all the time, too. We used to do it more when we were first married, but now with all these life changes, it's harder to say "yes! let's move to a studio apartment in the city & do all that fun stuff." We'll be in NY right after graduation too (so you can be a widow with me!), with Nick in graduate school AND working a full time job, and me staying at home and working with the baby. It's crazy just how fast things can change, and just how exciting it can all be. But it's true that the long crazy hours tend to bring a couple closer together. The time together is sweeter and you re-learn how to be independent. It's exhilarating, I think! Sometimes I forget that I can go grocery shopping and city exploring on my own because I just want to do it with him all the time. Anyways, that was kind of disjointed. But don't worry! Everything will work out, and I say just go for it! There's no reason not to reach for the stars and take risks, because whatever is right in the end will work out, and if it's not right then it won't happen. At least from my own experience :)

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    1. steph, thank you so much for this comment. i agree, being independent is great & i am a better partner when i am fulfilled as in individual. i overthink things--but this was the perfect reminder to just let it happen. it will all work out. you are great, thanks again. :)

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  2. Sam and I have gone through this same thing. He travels a lot and it isn't unheard of for him to work the same amount of hours or more. Before he took the job he currently has we prayed a lot about it and took it to the temple. There haven't been many times in my life where I've received a definitive, no doubt about it answer...but this was one of those times. Having that confirmation from Heavenly Father was the only thing that got me through the long weeks when he was away and I was pregnant. I still rely on it now. I think that as long as you are involving the Lord in your life and your decisions you can't really go wrong.

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    1. autumn, you are wonderful. this was such a great reminder. thank you! xox

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  3. steph's comment is really nice. whatever you choose, know that the Lord can make up the difference when it comes to shortchanging your time together as a couple, as long as you allow Him too. I am excited for you, whether you go to NY sooner or later, you're still gonna have a crazy awesome time! one of my best friends is there now she can't stop gushing about it every chance she gets, and it's also changed her life in so many ways. there's so many opportunities for adventure and growth in NY. congrats!

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  4. literally my husband is doing the same thing, so i feel ya. like, ny and everything. so, if we're there the same time then let's become best friends so we don't die without our husbands.
    but, i think i've decided that sometimes working crazzzzzzy hard 90 hour weeks for two years is worth it for where it will get you in the future. ya know? because if my husband has to work crazy hours for two years, but then we are making three times as much money, i think it will be better because then we can help our kids out more, ya know?
    but i definitely told him that once we have kids it's gotta be a 8-5 lol. i feel ya sista!
    xoxo
    e
    nine-fortytwo.blogspot.com

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    1. i'm so glad you told me this, emily! i agree--sometimes sacrifices are worth it, and i want a good life for my kids too! also--we will be in NY a year from this summer, and then from december 2015 on. if you are going to be there any of those times, LET ME KNOW. i will need a friend. you are great.

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    2. we'll be moving to NY summer of 2015, so I hope to see both of you lovely ladies there!

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    3. we will be a few months behind you :) YES!!

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  5. Going through Law School with a very competitive husband, I know all to well the widowed feeling. But it is true, it can really make your marriage so much stronger. You do value your time together more, and it honestly has the ability to make you better people (as cheesy as that sounds!) Challenges always give us the opportunity to be better, and that is totally the case if you want it to be. Now is the time to GO FOR IT. When Trevor was interviewing for jobs he kept saying that he was conflicted because he wanted to do really important work, but that type of work required 80-90 hour weeks. Did he really want to live that lifestyle? I told him, look, no one can keep that up for forever. Now is the time to try it out. Now is the time to do go for it, and when the time comes, transition to that simpler life where you can spend more time with your kids. If he doesn't do it now, he will always wonder "what if?" Go for it before you decide it isn't for you! It will be a HUGE transition, but it can also provide a HUGE amount of blessings for your family. At the end of the day, you two are the only ones that know what is right for you. If you feel good about it, just GO FOR IT :)! Wish I was going to be in NY with you lovely and talented ladies!!

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