over the past few weeks, jordan and i have been discussing some changes in his career plan, which consequently change my plans as well. we are young + there are a thousand opportunities. it’s exciting.
i don’t think i realized how important ambition was in a companion until i have seen it embodied in my husband. i am so grateful for his drive and his iron-will. he gets shiz done. he will have a wonderful career, he will see a lot of success, and he will be grateful for the sacrifices he made to provide a good life for us. i see so many other husbands say, ‘im not really sure what we’re doing, we will figure it out,’ or ‘yeah, i guess this will do for now,’ and although there’s nothing wrong with that, i like the proactive stance.
i don’t want a quiet, simple life--at least not yet. i want to get out there and work hard. i want to make something of myself, and i want jordan to reach for the stars. he wants the same.
the small change he wants to make will put us in NY right after graduation, as opposed to a few years after. ah, new york. i can almost feel my heart beat faster and smell the excitement when i think about it. the land of opportunity, and the subject of my daydreams. i crave being in the center of it all, i crave the madness.
however, this change will also have him working 90 hour weeks for the first few years of his career. this will essentially leave me widowed, save for a few nights and maybe an afternoon or two. i know that i can handle this—it will force me to make an individual life for myself there & go outside of my own world. it will be hard, but i believe it will be good for our marriage. i want to support him & help him accomplish all he wants to. i’m sure many with scoff and cry ‘corporate sellout’ but ya know what? he is very talented, has twice the work ethic of most, & his work ultimately makes the american economy go round. that’s good enough for me.
however, these lingering doubts keep crawling their way up into my head. how much am i willing to give up for career success? will those years end up seeing us drift apart? if we are willing to work 90 hours a week, will we get used to it? what else will we be willing to do? at what point has family become second tier, and work first tier? how do we start a family in those circumstances? do we start a family?
i worry about finding myself 10, 20 years down the road with a family more disjointed than i’d wanted. relying on money to fill in spaces that people should fill. a life separate from that of my husband’s, and a canyon full of things we don’t have time to tell each other. a home that’s not full of love, and only love. and full of regrets. however, i worry about finding myself at the same 10, 20 year mark wishing we would have made more sacrifices, and wishing that we would have just gone for it while we were young.
some people say, ‘live while you’re young! you can always slow down later! you can’t climb the ladder at 35!’ but other voices that i’ve never listened to before are telling me to use caution. to make sure my priorities are well in line.
i feel a little torn—i want to be smart about these things & think them through, but i also don’t want to live my life in fear of losing everything i hold dear. jordan and i are good people. we love each other. a part of me knows that is enough to get us through. i’m not sure where that grey area is—between a balanced career-home life and a life where the career takes too much precedent. i don’t know if that’s a number of hours home per week, or if it’s more of a mental state. but i trust that we will know when to pull back.
we had some friends over on sunday that told us working crazy hours made them fall more in love—they really valued that time spent together, put a lot of emphasis on the little things, and learned to take pride in each other’s accomplishments. i can only pray that our relationship will fare the same way, and that someday i will look back on our youth and be so proud of the choices that we’ve made.