my husband is out of town this week, and consequently i have spent a lot of my evening time alone. i usually spend husband-less time with girlfriends, which is a worthy alternative. but this time i’ve decided to stay unattended instead.
a good portion of this time has been spent on sex and the city re-runs, going to the gym, and grilling turkey burgers—but i’ve had a lot of time to think, too. i’ve let myself just hang there, relaxed and uninhibited. i’ve just existed, and it’s been way more refreshing than i remember.
it’s really a spectacular experience, to let yourself be alone and embrace the isolation. there’s nobody to reflect off of except yourself, and i feel like i see into myself a little bit, you know? not having to talk to anyone allows my thoughts to just sit there and marinate, without any output. i have thought about our futures, i’ve thought about the past, i’ve addressed and solved problems all without anybody knowing, all within my head. i’ve digested experiences without sharing them with anyone, and i’ve pondered how lucky i am. i’ve thought about what living alone would be like. i even get a little existential on myself and try to wrap my brain around deep concepts, using the quiet and solitude as my chalkboard to write ideas on.
i’ve realized that one person is a lot easier to clean up after than two, and our apartment has been perpetually spotless—a fact that brings me great joy. heaven help me when we have children.
i’ve also noticed that i hardly ruffle the bed when i sleep alone. when i wake up in the morning and get out of bed, only a small corner of our white bedspread is overturned—the rest of it remains neatly in place. this could be due to my long days this week, maybe i’ve just been too passed out to toss & turn. i just know that when jordan is there, i am all over the place—stealing blankets and overturning sheets.
oh, and i online shop when i get bored at home. ooops.
my mom used to tell me, “if YOU don’t like hanging out with yourself, how do you expect anyone else to?” and i agree. self-improvement, and even just self-awareness starts from the inside out, and i am grateful for these days to get to know myself a little better, and simply to be.
but really, i am DYING for jordan to come home on saturday—i miss that sweet boy of mine!