July 31, 2014

on having a bad day.

life is just hard sometimes, you know? i have days where i am just discouraged. i am not where i wish i would be, &  i feel guilt for not being there. some days, the darkness just settles in.

monday i woke up with puffy eyes and a deflated spirit. (female hormones and a certain time of month were probably involved.) i felt wilty and depressed the whole day, despite plenty of sleep and lots of work to be done. my body just wanted to be heavy, it wanted to hurt. on my drive downtown (in some of the worst traffic of my life, of course) it felt like two hands were trying to open my chest. they clawed their way in and pried it agape. 

and then, as if opening my chest had released some sort of flood gate, i bawled. i wept because life is tough and i am really imperfect at a lot of things. i cried because being married is hard and having friends hurt your feelings is hard and being left out is hard and wanting so bad to be perfect but falling short is... hard. it's like sometimes life wants to sit me up, slap me hard in the face, and say 'things are not as good as you think you are, kayla.' 

i really don't believe things are ever as bad as they seem, either.

i returned home that night with red-rimmed eyes and a heart that still weighed 2 tons. jordan had my favorite popsicles and a love note waiting on the coffee table. he made me dinner, he helped me pick out fresh flowers at costco, he made a sugar cookie run. he kept kissing my hand, my cheek, my forehead - and asking what else he could do. 

i am grateful for bad days, for feeling like you're sitting at the bottom, so that the next day you can feel like you're floating at the top. i'm grateful that life beats me down a little sometimes, for without that i wouldn't be able to feel the gratitude i do towards all of the things that make up the abundant beauty in my life.

i'm grateful for the hope that comes from knowing that these days will end, and new ones will begin. i feel hope because i have experienced it.

"i see hope more clearly now. she is serene. her eyes have the deep, knowing look of someone well acquainted with sorrow, the luminosity of recently being wet with tears. hope has the confidence of one who clearly sees a bright future even when the next hours seem fog shrouded. hope is steady and strong, a friend i am glad to have beside me during my own trials."

starting over is a really great feeling.

i'm also real grateful for this husband of mine. he's a stand-up guy. 

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July 29, 2014

cobler & surfing & jet skis.

we made a last minute decision to pop on up to boise for an annual camping and boating trip jordan's family makes at lucky peak--and i'm so glad we did! the lack of cell service was great for those of us who have no self control when it comes to checking our email, (um, me) and i got the chance to get to know some people in jordan's ward better. our camping spot was TOO cozy, i couldn't even handle it! you could only reach this particular spot by water, and it was all perfectly tucked back in the trees with it's little dock jutting out and a mini beach, just for us. 

you guys, i love the sun. i love being hot, i honestly do. i love sitting in the sun, i love feeling the heat of it glare down on me, i love when your whole body starts to warm from the inside, until the heat bubbles over into sweat and you have to jump in the water just so you can breathe normal again. i especially love the way the heat sparkles off of the blue lake, it's brilliant. 

we spent the entirety of each day on the water--by paddle board, boat or jet ski, only staying on dry land long enough to eat or sleep. i am picking up surfing and wake boarding (slowly, but surely) and only had one cringe-worthy wipe out. a win, in my book!

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July 23, 2014

hello, i think you're freakin rad.

to these forgotten about but still amazing photos from portland, you make me say, "holy crap let's go back!"

to my power pump teacher darise, you make me want to punch you in the throat and then kiss you.

to my sparkly wedding ring, who deserves a gawk every time i put her on.

to my boss, for keeping a cell phone charger at my desk and giving me a fat bonus last week.

to friends that pop in to say hello at 10:30 pm and make us laugh real hard.

to wood fired pizza, for being there for me 2 nights in a row.

to you etta james, for sparking a few spontaneous living room slow-dances, and for making my commute fly by in a velvety dream.

you guys make my life magical.

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July 21, 2014

lake mary.

utah is such a show-off.

we spent our saturday afternoon hiking to lake mary. we also spent it swimming in the lake, getting caught swimming by the park rangers, & narrowly avoiding a misdemeanor for swimming in a drinking water shed. oops. it would have been a little startling, except i could use a little street cred, right?

then we chatted lazily as we ate and drove home, the windows rolled down and the warm breeze floating in. being outside, being surrounded by the sharp mountains and fresh air, with magnificent humans, it was my summer at it's peak. 

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July 18, 2014

moments of clarity.

i am almost 24 years old, and there are days where i still feel like i don't know who i am. 

i am very much in the middle of things, like i'm too suppressed by life and responsibilities and habits and attitudes and relationships and disappointments to really see myself clearly. and then other times, i feel no where, i feel nothing. which is a different kind of middle. it's worse.

however, there are moments of clarity. in these moments, it's as if i've wiped a foggy shower door, and hello. there i am. i like myself in these moments, i am proud of who i am and my ability to see the good. being kind is my mantra--and now i see myself doling out this kindness i preach. i see my dedication to the things i love. i love a lot, in wholes not halves. i like that about myself, too. 

but there are just so many times i don't know. i don't know anything--who i am, what i like, what i want. i have confidence in these ideas that i maybe don't even live--like discipline, like hard work, like patience. i don't always love so fiercely the things i claim to love. but that's who i want to be. i am striving towards that, mostly. 

i am the most mad at myself for being this old & not even knowing. i should know by now. my life is three quarters of the way over and i'm still wasting time figuring it out? i want to live it.

i always thought who i was would be a true/false test. shy? false. driven? true. clingy? false. but i've come to realize that the truth about ourselves, it comes in shades, and we all see those shades in differing intensities. they change, they move, they evolve. through days and years, my truths are an animal, my truths are breathing and moving and growing and dying and changing. 

then i realize, in that clarity, that living is part of figuring it out. this struggle, this process--it's part of living my life. it gives it it's flavor, it gives it punch. life is dynamic. i can choose to see that as a beautiful element, it can be my wings. or i can see it as an inconvenience, a road block.

like all things, i forget the clarity and revert back to being angry for myself. but those moments of certainty, of lucidity, those moments of accepting my imperfections and my indecisive mind, they linger. they slosh around in my head as i bounce around in between them.

all of this to say, i want to respect myself. i want to feel confident and i want to feel as if i have infinity to offer the world. and i want to love this journey of "finding" even more than i already do. because i do. i love it. it's personal, it belongs to me. the longer i continue on this journey of self discovery, the more i realize what a precious gift this life is, and my ultimate goal, when all is said & done--is to treat it that way.

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July 16, 2014

why we work.

i have seen a couple of these posts floating around the internet, so i thought i'd take a stab at my own version. every couple is so different, and i love that--everyone has different needs and connects at a different pace, and honestly, you can never know what a marriage is like from the outside. it all works out in a distinct way for every couple. but you guys, i'm really grateful i snagged jordan. we drive each other completely batty, (oh man, do we ever) but in the grand scheme of things, i really believe that we needed each other. that specifically, he and i, together--that's where we were both meant to end up. & here's why we "work."

we work because i'm a dreamer and you're a positive realist. you help me keep my goals on track, you help me make plans. i help you shoot a little higher. you like picking up clutter and i like deep cleaning. we work because we know how to make each other giggle when we're having a bad day.

we work because we are both independent, & we aren't afraid to do our own thing. we work because we are genuinely excited about each other's goals, and we actively work to make sure the other person is supported. but also, we work because we know we come first in each other's lives. we work because we have the same high expectations for our lives, and we won't quit until we get there together.

we work because our pet peeves are not the same & we don't allow each other to rage, ever. we work because the days you remember to read scripture are the days i forget, and vice versa. we work because we are both obsessed with cuddling, especially in the morning.

we work because i don't cook, and you couldn't care less. we work because you help me invest less what others think of me. i help you branch out of your comfort zone. we work because you help me keep my emotions in check, & you are patient with me.

but most of all, we work because we are crazy about each other. i love you a crap-load, stastny.

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July 14, 2014

my perfect day.

i have this fixation with the idea of having a flawless day--full of things you love; a balance of adventure, coupled with relaxation. i remember a day in logan where i spent the morning volunteering and at the temple, the afternoon full of tennis and hiking and girlfriends. it was complete bliss, all day. these kind of days don't come along very often, but this past friday may sneak it's way on to my 'favorite day' list.

i woke up, got ready, and drove onto the studio 5 set. i had produced a segment that was taping that day, and since i had the day off i decided to oversee the taping & make sure everything went smoothly. i got to spend time with the other intern (she is a doll & i am obsessed with her) and be a part of the tv-taping energy that i love so, so much.

as i headed home, i called jordan. he told me he was pretty swamped with work--so knowing i wasn't going to get his attention at home, i flipped a u-turn and headed to city creek. i ate lunch alone and read a book. (that is a 5-star luxury for me!) i bought my husband some godiva chocolate covered strawberries, and myself a new lipstick. i wandered the temple visitor's center, snapped around 800 pictures of the temple, and chatted with a couple celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.

i sat at the reflecting pool and a sweet old lady asked me, quite randomly, if she could take a picture of me. i walked a few blocks to the downtown cathedral and enjoyed the silence, illuminated by colored light from the stained glass. a spanish exchange group joined me after a few minutes, and the group leader asked me, in a thick accent, why i was in a cathedral if i wasn't catholic. ' i came in to enjoy the peace' i told him.

i walked out and admired all of the charming city apartments. a homeless man told me i was "too young to be that pretty." i laughed at a girl that ate it on a long board. (i waited until she was out of earshot, of course.) i was in this delightful mood--the energy of the day and the city seemed to captivate me. i was just happy. happy to be downtown, happy to be walking down the street, happy that the sun was shining, happy to be alive.

jordan and i went to a friend's art exhibit opening later that evening before stopping by in-n-out. we vegged on the couch, we watched a movie, we bought milkshakes, we made out a lot. i fell asleep on his chest and he didn't move me off until i was too sound to even notice. and that, i believe, was the perfect end to a possibly perfect day. there you have it.

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July 9, 2014

taking stock 04.

car selfies. it happens. 

checking: a few things off of our summer bucket list. we’re coming for you, provo river and outdoor yoga and drive-in movies! 

cooking: flautas. from costco. in the microwave. every night for the past week.

reading: z, a novel of ella fitzgerald. it’s similar to the paris wife, in that it chronicles the life of a famous writer’s wife. it’s impeccably written.

listening to: the parent trap sound track.

missing: my sister missionaries. having them both gone is haaaaard, you guys. i still pick up the phone to call them or accidentally send them snapchats sometimes. then i think, oh. and i get a little misty eyed.   
looking forward to: friday night—our big plans involve in n out, watching movies, & falling asleep early. married life, am i right?

needing: to unpack my bag from last weekend. but i don’t have to pack one for 2 whole weekends! i am so pleased about attending my own ward and sleeping in my own bed and going on dates with my freakin cute husband.

watching: million dollar arm. we saw it again & it was just as good as the first time J

excited about: the food we are going to eat while in nyc. but really, i think about it every day. pastries, bagels, pizza, ice cream, oh and shake shack every day, because duh.

needing: more sleep! what else is new. why do i always think “i’m having fun, it’ll be fine. i’ll just drink caffeine tomorrow!” ugh. i could strangle myself.

smelling: my anthro candle that i finally broke down & purchased last month. #worthit

excited: about taping a little segment for ksl tomorrow morning. 

wearing: nail polish for the first time in months.  

experiencing: a lot of pain in my crotch. tmi? my downstairs parts were not prepared for that 20 mile bike ride last night. however, bike riding at night is bliss, a thousand times bliss!

thinking: about a conference talk i listened to on the way home from boise—“love, the essence of the gospel.” thinking about ways to better center my life around love. 

feeling:  super grateful for the family i have. feeling hopeful. feeling excited.  

loving: my life in this moment.  

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July 7, 2014

july 4th happy list.

+ 4 foot long sparklers.
+ illegal fireworks.
+ wake surfing virgin, getting up my second try.
+ reo speedwagon blasting while we swim in the lake.
+ spikeball & volleyball.
+ the way idaho mint fields smell.
+ strawberry cheesecake french toast.
+ boise farmer's market--peach lemonade and meeting buster the bronco.
+ bowling & movie & buffalo wild wings to beat the heat.
+ xbox kinect.
+ sunday naps, sunday life chats.
+ driving home alone = a 5 hour long performance by yours truly. (including everything from the pocahontas soundtrack, to phil collins, to abba, to the entire les mis soundtrack. i have a sore jaw today.)

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July 3, 2014

& a little more of the caribbean.

i have come to love the fact that all of our pictures from this trip are cell-phone quality, grainy, & blurry. it makes the memories seem a little less perfect and a little more real. the movement, the fun, and the energy of our time together is evident in the pictures, even though they aren't HD. 

jamaica was my favorite stop (minus the 'spraining my ankle' part)-- lush green everywhere, kick butt accents from all of the natives, & of course, sailing through the air in our super-attractive harness/helmet combo. zip-lining was pretty unbelievable. 

THESE PEOPLE. i love these people!

these are the only 2 shots i got from our day on disney's private island. (because why wouldn't disney have their own island?) we literally laid on floaties in the water all day like it was our job. minus a break to eat and a break to ride the water-slide.

jordan pulling through with some artsy shots. that boy loves to take pictures.

my in-laws rocking their classic cowboy hats & jordan off in his own world, also a classic. (and does it look like his board shorts are a skirt? or is that just me?)

and what would a vacation be without a hyper husband? jordan was so hilarious on this whole trip, i think some of my psychotic behavior has rubbed off on him after a few years. also please note my diseased forehead. i got fried to a crispy our first day in mexico & this is the last of the peeling. (before there was a surprised second-round.) if i learned anything valuable from this vacation, it was that i  need to convert to spf instead of tanning oil. :)