July 31, 2014

on having a bad day.

life is just hard sometimes, you know? i have days where i am just discouraged. i am not where i wish i would be, &  i feel guilt for not being there. some days, the darkness just settles in.

monday i woke up with puffy eyes and a deflated spirit. (female hormones and a certain time of month were probably involved.) i felt wilty and depressed the whole day, despite plenty of sleep and lots of work to be done. my body just wanted to be heavy, it wanted to hurt. on my drive downtown (in some of the worst traffic of my life, of course) it felt like two hands were trying to open my chest. they clawed their way in and pried it agape. 

and then, as if opening my chest had released some sort of flood gate, i bawled. i wept because life is tough and i am really imperfect at a lot of things. i cried because being married is hard and having friends hurt your feelings is hard and being left out is hard and wanting so bad to be perfect but falling short is... hard. it's like sometimes life wants to sit me up, slap me hard in the face, and say 'things are not as good as you think you are, kayla.' 

i really don't believe things are ever as bad as they seem, either.

i returned home that night with red-rimmed eyes and a heart that still weighed 2 tons. jordan had my favorite popsicles and a love note waiting on the coffee table. he made me dinner, he helped me pick out fresh flowers at costco, he made a sugar cookie run. he kept kissing my hand, my cheek, my forehead - and asking what else he could do. 

i am grateful for bad days, for feeling like you're sitting at the bottom, so that the next day you can feel like you're floating at the top. i'm grateful that life beats me down a little sometimes, for without that i wouldn't be able to feel the gratitude i do towards all of the things that make up the abundant beauty in my life.

i'm grateful for the hope that comes from knowing that these days will end, and new ones will begin. i feel hope because i have experienced it.

"i see hope more clearly now. she is serene. her eyes have the deep, knowing look of someone well acquainted with sorrow, the luminosity of recently being wet with tears. hope has the confidence of one who clearly sees a bright future even when the next hours seem fog shrouded. hope is steady and strong, a friend i am glad to have beside me during my own trials."

starting over is a really great feeling.

i'm also real grateful for this husband of mine. he's a stand-up guy. 



 photo kaylasig_zps8b40f84e.jpg


7 comments:

  1. I totally resonate with this post. one thing I've noticed with myself is that my bad days are rarely due to external circumstances. I can sit for two hours in traffic but be the happiest person that day, or I can get a raise at work and still have a horrible day just because of my mood. kinda weird. hormones are a real thing.

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  2. I loved this post! Life can really be so hard sometimes, good thing we have those husbands who make us realize everything is going to be okay! Keep your head up! :)

    xo, morgan

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  3. Love this post! And I love you! Even though we just met through blogs- I feel like I just get you :) I have the same feelings as you. When you are in the bad day- it is like life would be better if it just ended, but when you start to find and see the hope- you are happy and no one can change that. Keep being positive girl :) We as women are so strong and can do anything!!

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  4. I cried when I read this. Why am I crying? Female hormones too, probably. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I felt like I was on cloud 9 for the past week. Yesterday I was driving home for lunch- driving just in my "la la land" and not thinking about anything in particular then I saw cop lights in my rear view mirror. After my speeding ticket I ended up home for the rest of the lunch break, sitting on the floor, crying and eating ice cream straight out of the tub. I think getting that ticket brought up all the other flaws I have and I just broke down. Suddenly I remembered how I caused my family thousands of dollars by being sick this summer or how I can't get along with some people, suddenly I was a horrible wife, friend, daughter and sister and it all started with a ticket.

    At times like that I really have to step back and remember that crap happens, whether it's in our out of our hands. And most importantly that the thoughts of inadequacy are brought on by satan, he and only he wants to bring you down. No one else wants to see you fail, in fact you are great in everyone's eyes. And there are so many people cheering for you and want you to succeed. I hope that the next time you are feeling down (which will surely happen) you remember that so many people are on your side.

    ps. cutest picture. (;

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    Replies
    1. thank you for your comment, mila. you always leave the most sincere thoughts & i come away from reading them thinking how wonderful you are. it's funny how one mistake or one negative thought can snowball into feeling awful in every aspect of life. (to be honest, i'm glad someone else does that..)

      i need to realize that there is more good to me than bad, and nobody expects me to be perfect, they just expect me to try. and if i'm trying, i have nothing to be ashamed of or feel bad about. the rest will be. anyway, that was a long winded way of saying thank you for your sweet words. they always resonate with me.

      also--your picture was cuter.

      xoxo

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  5. awe this picture is so cute. having bad days is the worsttttt. but yay for modern family and other lol t.v. shows. i'm glad you like it as much as we do! haha your comment made me feel like someone understands!
    xoxo
    e
    the little diary

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  6. i know exactly how you feel. i'm pretty sure i have the exact same feelings every month also.. what a coincidence! but really, it is the worst feeling. there's nothing worse than feeling like you aren't enough, but you are so lucky to have such a wonderful & caring husband, & like you said it's never as bad as it seems. it's just hard to remember that sometimes. i'm happy your day got a little brighter though :) i love how honest you are in this post, it takes a lot of courage.
    -k
    www.kerryjune.com

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