moments of clarity.



i am almost 24 years old, and there are days where i still feel like i don't know who i am. 

i am very much in the middle of things, like i'm too suppressed by life and responsibilities and habits and attitudes and relationships and disappointments to really see myself clearly. and then other times, i feel no where, i feel nothing. which is a different kind of middle. it's worse.

however, there are moments of clarity. in these moments, it's as if i've wiped a foggy shower door, and hello. there i am. i like myself in these moments, i am proud of who i am and my ability to see the good. being kind is my mantra--and now i see myself doling out this kindness i preach. i see my dedication to the things i love. i love a lot, in wholes not halves. i like that about myself, too. 

but there are just so many times i don't know. i don't know anything--who i am, what i like, what i want. i have confidence in these ideas that i maybe don't even live--like discipline, like hard work, like patience. i don't always love so fiercely the things i claim to love. but that's who i want to be. i am striving towards that, mostly. 

i am the most mad at myself for being this old & not even knowing. i should know by now. my life is three quarters of the way over and i'm still wasting time figuring it out? i want to live it.

i always thought who i was would be a true/false test. shy? false. driven? true. clingy? false. but i've come to realize that the truth about ourselves, it comes in shades, and we all see those shades in differing intensities. they change, they move, they evolve. through days and years, my truths are an animal, my truths are breathing and moving and growing and dying and changing. 

then i realize, in that clarity, that living is part of figuring it out. this struggle, this process--it's part of living my life. it gives it it's flavor, it gives it punch. life is dynamic. i can choose to see that as a beautiful element, it can be my wings. or i can see it as an inconvenience, a road block.

like all things, i forget the clarity and revert back to being angry for myself. but those moments of certainty, of lucidity, those moments of accepting my imperfections and my indecisive mind, they linger. they slosh around in my head as i bounce around in between them.

all of this to say, i want to respect myself. i want to feel confident and i want to feel as if i have infinity to offer the world. and i want to love this journey of "finding" even more than i already do. because i do. i love it. it's personal, it belongs to me. the longer i continue on this journey of self discovery, the more i realize what a precious gift this life is, and my ultimate goal, when all is said & done--is to treat it that way.





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Comments

  1. You are a beautiful writer! In absolute LOVE with your blog.

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  2. such a good post. it's seriously difficult knowing YOU. i feel like i know who i am & then all of a sudden, i don't. it's tricky. & i'm almost 25 & still feel this way sometimes!

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  3. I love your honesty. You are truly so beautiful, inside & out!

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  4. Wonderful post. Very honest. I am currently thinking about some of those things myself. Great blog. ---Stephanie

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  5. This is awesome. So well written and such beautiful thoughts. It's crazy how it really takes a whole life to really see who we are . . . we feel like we should know exactly who we are, but who we are is constantly changing and adapting, so it's hard to nail it down. But seriously, love this.

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  6. I love your honesty, Kayla!
    I'm 21 and just graduated from college, and I understand. I think though that life might always be this way. That we continue to grow and change as a person. and I'm learning that that can be beautiful as well.

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  7. Great Post- loved the honesty. I know I am always doubting myself. Wondering if I am trying to be someone I'm not- or if I just am this...Confusion sometimes fills my mind as I look at myself in the mirror wondering if I can do better. I am only 20, but for pete sakes it seems like I should have it figured out by now. I wonder if others do this- I think- ok as soon as I am married- it will all be perfect, or as soon as I can just get through college- i will be great. I have realized that I cannot live life that way any longer. We have to just fully embrace where we are and who we are at that moment. Great thoughts Kayla :)

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