October 31, 2014

& on to november!

after a networking trip this month, i picked jordan up from the airport and we wandered downtown while we waited for our bellies to get hungry. (also, if you ever find yourself in murray, utah - go to italian villeg & order a pizza bender! you will not regret it.) usually i make jordan ask strangers to take pictures of us, on account of my shyness. i really do get so shy around strangers, which i don't feel like fits with the rest of my persona. anyway, i was feeling brave and bold and so i bounded up to a group of married couples and look! they actually got a really wonderful shot of us & the temple!

a few months ago my friend madi added to me an ongoing group message with some mutual friends - it's called "pizza and naps" and you guys it's the greatest thing to happen to my world! it's basically a never-ending feed of buzzfeed articles, funny pictures, and inappropriate jokes. i skipped class one afternoon to have lunch with these ladies - and it was so worth it. we discussed blake lively's plastic surgery extensively.

now that the sun rises later + sets earlier, i have the privilege of driving to work during the sunrise, and home during the sunsets. lucky me, right? even though getting up at 6 is fairly heinous, utah has been nailing it with her cotton candy skies - pinks and golds and purples that are like easter. none of those pictures are filtered, can you believe it??

our good friends melissa & taylor welcomed baby liam into the world last week! oh man, you guys. BABIES, am i right? you know how newborns, (although still precious) are usually a little swollen and funky looking? NOT THIS ONE. liam was not in the birth canal for very long, and so he is this perfectly shaped child, angelic and snuggly.  there is something about newborns that sticks with me. after we left the hospital, all evening i was thinking about this baby. it really is like experiencing a little slice of heaven. although it's not our time for kids yet, i can't wait to have my own to be fixated on!

proof that my husband is a good sport. 

we caught the last of the fall colors up little cottonwood a few weekends ago, and explored the short little jaunt up to cecret lake. jordan has taught me to be a sucker for reflections, and this lake was like glass! 

i finished my first half marathon! ("finished" being the operative word here. i could have switched out "first" for "only," but who cares.) there was a barfing incident at mile 5, and i literally had to be bed-ridden for the next 2 days, but overall it was a positive experience. i'm mostly happy i accomplished something i've been talking about for years! that makes my soul feel good, and i needed that boost of "i can do hard things" attitude that i seem to have misplaced this semester. (but make no mistake, i am back to weight lifting and yoga and cycling. contrary to popular belief, running a race didn't turn me into a runner. sorry, runner friends.)

for someone who has no claim to loving animals, i really love wearing them. anyone else experience this strange phenomenon? horses, elephants, deers - i'll buy it. (a guy at work told me, "it's not christmas yet! why are you wearing a reindeer? cue incredulous look from me.)

my snapchat game on point. i was actually pretty proud of this one. 

i started getting bored of my hair - and so i went white blonde & have been experimenting with braids. also, since i only wash my hair a few times a week, i usually throw it up in a top knot the last day - and for some reason totally unbeknownst to me, i always get a thousand compliments on those days. when i spend a half hour creating perfect waves? not a word. but if i throw all the grease back into a butterball on top of my head, everyone thinks i look like a princess. go figure.

a party with new friends/a birthday celebration with old friends. also, that bottom picture WAS the best one we got, unfortunately. 

aaaaand i'll send you out with the last of my leaf photos. october, you were fab - but bring on thanksgiving break and socially acceptable christmas music!


October 29, 2014

hi, we have some big news.

oh, and happy halloween week ^^^

+ jordan sold his soul to the investment banking recruitment process a few months ago. he worked his cute little butt off & received an offer from citi bank in san francisco on monday, which he accepted. he is one of the first guys from byu to receive any offer from any bank. you see, he's a very impressive individual. i should be ecstatic, and a big part of me is (a big part!) - but there's a little damper on this situation.

+ of all the cities in the united states, new york is my very favorite. my next favorite would be san francisco, and then probably dc. but if i were writing out this list on college ruled paper, there would be like 20 lines between 1. new york and 2. san fran. then only 1 or 2 lines between san fran & dc. new york is my favorite city by a very large margin, for  several reasons - one of them being the fact that there are a myriad of opportunities there. for every 1 broadcasting internship in san fran or chicago, there are 3 in new york. the today show is there, nbc headquarters, dozens of random online news stations that would serve as backup if i couldn't swing big-time summer work. i have tons of contacts in new york, but not a single one in san fran. (not to mention, that new york energy, that food, those sounds, that i crave every single day of my life.)

+ jordan applied for all new york internships, save for one or two in san fran - just because there were a few opportunities there that were too good to ignore. citi bank called him almost immediately. he interviewed in san francisco a few weeks ago and fell in love with the office, his co-workers, the projects, everything. it fit him perfectly. he kept networking in new york, but in the end - citi is hiring before any of the new york offices, and turning it down would taint him. and it would be really unwise - given as there is no guarantee of another offer. 

+ this job is ideal - he will be working on deals in the tech industry, the exit opportunities are exactly what he wants, the pay is 3 times what we would make in nyc - it's all picture perfect for him, except that he's married to me and new york makes more sense for me and my career. you guys, this whole situation has been the heartbreak of the century for me. i know that it's selfish and ungrateful of me to feel sad about this opportunity afforded my husband - but if you could step through my ear, into my head for one second and understand to what magnitude these opportunities and that city mean to me, you would understand. this situation deserves legitimate grief on my end. i know that in the end, jordan's career takes precedent over mine - he's going to be making the money, i'll be having kids at some point, blah blah. but right now? this is my life, this is the most important thing to me - and i won't just lay over and give up everything that i've been dreaming of since i was 4 years old. 

+ we have talked about being a bi-coastal couple for the summer, if i am able to snag an internship in ny worthy of such a sacrifice. i am not married to that idea - however, all suckiness aside, i think i could do it. i am really hoping that i can find something that keeps us in the same city & challenges me in the ways i need to be challenged. but who knows.

+ in the end, i just feel an underlying sense of peace about all of this. (i have to sift through a lot of anxiety to find the peace, but it's there.)  heavenly father knows how many tears i have already shed over this mess, he knows how important these next few years are to me, and although we have to navigate this difficulty right now - i know it will all work out the way that it's supposed to - east coast or west coast. and hey, san fran is a pretty magical place to have to live, don't you think?

October 22, 2014

one more post about fall.

yesterday, i was walking to my car from my "free expression in a democratic society" class. the sky was this romantic purple-grey and thunder was booming in the distance. all the sudden, the wind began to howl around me, playing with my hair and snatching all of the yellow leaves from the trees lining the parking lot. the leaves would dance in circles through the air, hit the ground, and then skip across the asphalt, making this perfect crinkly noise as they bounced. you know that sound? it's dainty and delicate - and it makes me want to crunch all the fallen leaves underfoot. i will forever go out of my way to step on crunchy leaves. it is 100% satisfying, because i believe there is something the tiniest bit lovely in destruction. the death of fall - leaves being ripped from their perch, turning them into dust with my foot and that gratifying crunch - the transition is captivating.

these pictures were taken a few weeks ago on a sunday drive to bridal veil falls + the alpine loop. my heart is so full from the beauty i have noticed all around me during this autumn. at times, it's been the sole happiness pulling me through. 

October 20, 2014

like christmas.

+ jordan went to nyc this week & i picked him up from the airport saturday night. he greeted me with a foot-pop kiss that was maybe a couple seconds too long to have been public-appropriate. we drove downtown, and he ran over a curb on the way into the parking garage. we could not stop laughing about it. later, while we were sitting across the table from each other at italian village, i kept getting this rush of christmas-like thrill, where i would just feel this excited buzz all over. i kept asking myself "is there something specific that i'm looking forward to? why do i feel this way?" and then i recognized that the buzz was simply due to having jordan home. i've said it before - but there is no greater feeling that being reunited with my human. he makes everything feel like christmas. 

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October 17, 2014

on turning corners.

i know i have mentioned this before, but  over the past few weeks i got a relentless whooping from that funny little called called life. jordan and i have been making some extremely important and life-changing decisions - and we're not as good at it as we thought we might be. i'm going to try and compartmentalize a few facets of this experience. there is, unfortunately, a lot of raw emotion still happening over here, but throwing it on a computer screen does seem to be therapeutic.

the process

i feel like my entire life has been a series of freak-outs and come-to-terms, except every time the freak out is worse and the come to term takes a little more time, but it does feel more permanent.

in my defense, the stakes seem to get higher at every "important decision" crossroads as i grow older and transition into new stages of life. my decisions now have more consequences on more people than ever before.

seriously though, my decision to get married was complete cake compared to these decisions we've been making lately. these have been wracked with sick stomachs and migraines and a total sense of, 'what are we doing?' and, like most ailments in life, it all boils down to fear.


i have a great fear of living a mediocre life, of failing, of waking up one day and thinking 'this is it?' the excuse "everything will be fine" is not soothing to me, it is maddening. and this fear of the ordinary, the dull, the second rate - it's caged me in. i feel the boundaries, the ones i have set for myself, close in around me whenever life starts to take unexpected turns and i melt into a puddle of anxiety. coping with lost expectations i have set for myself is impossible for me, it's crippling. i hate to see things i love taken away from me, even if they are silly or actually unimportant. they're my things, they are important to me.

i finally turned a corner though, where the fear turned into faith and i finally realized, "everything is going to turn out the way it's supposed to." and i know that god will not allow me to live an ordinary life, he just won't. but why is that a lesson i have to learn over and over? will the freak out's every subside? will they at least de-escalate? here's to hoping.

 i am caught somewhere between being a drama queen and a perfectionist, though defined by neither. i cannot cope with the stress, but i can't quite face it, head on and full frontal.


maybe i have to feel the freak-outs to appreciate the peace, but that might be a sorry excuse to avoid facing the fact that i am stubborn. i am so stubborn you guys, and i want the things i want with such a fierceness that it scares even me sometimes. i am married to all of these ideas of how to make up a romantic, accomplished life that tailor-made, just for me and jordan. but perhaps i can carry the romance with me, and some of the details can be one-size-fits-all. oh, but this is so difficult to come to terms with.

i am being stretched and extended and asked to give more than i feel i am able - and there are so many growing pains. at times, i ask myself if i could learn to experience the growth, to be one with it, but instead i just wimper from the pain. my heart feels like my legs after a squat set. it's sore, it's tender, but it's growing.


i have felt a lot of ugly feelings that make me feel horrid for even feeling them in the first place (feelings inside feelings - feeling inception?) - anger, resentment, jealousy, more anger - a little hopelessness. and maybe they had to work their way through my system before i could turn my corner. but maybe i was getting sick of feeling those ugly things and decided to let them go. they are heavy. heavy enough to make you feel pinned down to your white comforter, unable to peel yourself off the bed. they are heavy enough to numb a lot else that you should feel. i think part of being human is to experience these ugly emotions and deal with them in a way that cures us from them, to some degree.

i want to keep moving forward, to never feel stagnant - but i need to move forward in a different direction and my stomach catches somewhere in my chest to think about it.


i can feel that there is so much substance to these experiences, so much to be learned and gained. i can hide in a corner and be anxious, or i can help this substance be molded in to a tool for me, to become stronger. to have more control. those ugly feelings can be my springboard to a stronger, more unselfish and perfect version of myself. patience with myself is nearly impossible sometimes, but i can persist.

what works best for me, is to acknowledge the bad - i recognize and accept that i have felt anger, depression, hopelessness. and then, once i have digested the feelings, felt them through and through, i let them go. i experience, then release. but to deny them would be to cage myself in even more.


as the whole experience has unfolded, it has been just that - emotional turbulence. which is the worst, but at the same time, i am grateful for the reminder that i care. it's a reminder that i'm human, that i hurt. i feel things deeply and  i care in heart-wrenching, passionate, never ending way. i care about this life and my experiences and who i become and, most importantly, my relationships. and really, i want to live my life in a way that squeezes every drop out of each experience - even the tough ones. 

October 15, 2014

great things around here // october 2014

when san fran shares cassidy with us. girlfriend times equals treats and obnoxious laughing and bliss.

center street strolls, stopping at the einstein wall because why not?

when we sneak in a mid week date, grab sodalicious, drive up the canyon, and take a few pictures to memorialize the occasion.

carving pumpkins with friends on the last monday of september (our friend kristin is a halloween fiend and she couldn't last until the new month.) being so proud of our cute little face until i looked over and saw this intricate carving of a bird family on the scavo's pumpkin. (thanks for making us look bad, you guys.)

attending the most darling tea party at "dear lizzie" with some of the cutest gals around. but really, that place is to die for. girly heaven. (apologies to katherine and riley for cutting you out of the picture, i still adore you both!)

an ecstatic reunion after jordan took a networking trip to ny.

lunch & an mtc drop off for my cousin bentley, who is headed to france. how cute is she? i love missionaries!  

the fact that jordan's face is pretty dang cute, even when it's clean-shaven.

sunday walks around daybreak lake after family dinners. (we also found the "up" house!)

October 13, 2014

hey utah are you for reals?

i spent friday night watching re-runs and baking cookies, waiting for jordan to get back from a job interview in san francisco. it sounds lame, but after a week with enough stress to make my 24 year old head sprout a few grays, (i'm exaggerating) you are actually grateful to having nothing to do but put together a clothes rack from ikea and lay in bed with your best girlfriend, chatting about your favorite instagrammers. 

saturday, my family was in town and so we took them up to sundance to ride the chairlift. i mean, i knew it was going to be pretty - but i was honestly unprepared for the total overhaul on my senses. the air was this perfect temperature with just enough bite in it to make you occasionally shiver, and the colors had intensified a hundred fold since our last trip up, a week ago. buttery yellows and warm autumn reds... i feel like fall was keeping all of this gold it her pocket, and last week she decided to sprinkle it all over sundance. we kept looking at each other and laughing, because it was hard to believe. "is this real life?" was the quote of the day. 

we spent the rest of our evening with friends at a corn maze (in true kayla fashion, i refused to go into the haunted house & waited outside while everyone else did it. i don't know why i hate scary things, but i despise. anything. scary.) 

overall, this day was a breath of freaking fresh air & i am so grateful for the beautiful mountains in our backyard. it dawned on me, i think for the first time ever, that living in a big city might make me miss days like these - so i'm going soak them up while i can!