on turning corners.



i know i have mentioned this before, but  over the past few weeks i got a relentless whooping from that funny little called called life. jordan and i have been making some extremely important and life-changing decisions - and we're not as good at it as we thought we might be. i'm going to try and compartmentalize a few facets of this experience. there is, unfortunately, a lot of raw emotion still happening over here, but throwing it on a computer screen does seem to be therapeutic.

the process

i feel like my entire life has been a series of freak-outs and come-to-terms, except every time the freak out is worse and the come to term takes a little more time, but it does feel more permanent.

in my defense, the stakes seem to get higher at every "important decision" crossroads as i grow older and transition into new stages of life. my decisions now have more consequences on more people than ever before.

seriously though, my decision to get married was complete cake compared to these decisions we've been making lately. these have been wracked with sick stomachs and migraines and a total sense of, 'what are we doing?' and, like most ailments in life, it all boils down to fear.

mediocrity

i have a great fear of living a mediocre life, of failing, of waking up one day and thinking 'this is it?' the excuse "everything will be fine" is not soothing to me, it is maddening. and this fear of the ordinary, the dull, the second rate - it's caged me in. i feel the boundaries, the ones i have set for myself, close in around me whenever life starts to take unexpected turns and i melt into a puddle of anxiety. coping with lost expectations i have set for myself is impossible for me, it's crippling. i hate to see things i love taken away from me, even if they are silly or actually unimportant. they're my things, they are important to me.

i finally turned a corner though, where the fear turned into faith and i finally realized, "everything is going to turn out the way it's supposed to." and i know that god will not allow me to live an ordinary life, he just won't. but why is that a lesson i have to learn over and over? will the freak out's every subside? will they at least de-escalate? here's to hoping.

 i am caught somewhere between being a drama queen and a perfectionist, though defined by neither. i cannot cope with the stress, but i can't quite face it, head on and full frontal.

inflexible

maybe i have to feel the freak-outs to appreciate the peace, but that might be a sorry excuse to avoid facing the fact that i am stubborn. i am so stubborn you guys, and i want the things i want with such a fierceness that it scares even me sometimes. i am married to all of these ideas of how to make up a romantic, accomplished life that tailor-made, just for me and jordan. but perhaps i can carry the romance with me, and some of the details can be one-size-fits-all. oh, but this is so difficult to come to terms with.

i am being stretched and extended and asked to give more than i feel i am able - and there are so many growing pains. at times, i ask myself if i could learn to experience the growth, to be one with it, but instead i just wimper from the pain. my heart feels like my legs after a squat set. it's sore, it's tender, but it's growing.

unsightly

i have felt a lot of ugly feelings that make me feel horrid for even feeling them in the first place (feelings inside feelings - feeling inception?) - anger, resentment, jealousy, more anger - a little hopelessness. and maybe they had to work their way through my system before i could turn my corner. but maybe i was getting sick of feeling those ugly things and decided to let them go. they are heavy. heavy enough to make you feel pinned down to your white comforter, unable to peel yourself off the bed. they are heavy enough to numb a lot else that you should feel. i think part of being human is to experience these ugly emotions and deal with them in a way that cures us from them, to some degree.

i want to keep moving forward, to never feel stagnant - but i need to move forward in a different direction and my stomach catches somewhere in my chest to think about it.

evolution

i can feel that there is so much substance to these experiences, so much to be learned and gained. i can hide in a corner and be anxious, or i can help this substance be molded in to a tool for me, to become stronger. to have more control. those ugly feelings can be my springboard to a stronger, more unselfish and perfect version of myself. patience with myself is nearly impossible sometimes, but i can persist.

what works best for me, is to acknowledge the bad - i recognize and accept that i have felt anger, depression, hopelessness. and then, once i have digested the feelings, felt them through and through, i let them go. i experience, then release. but to deny them would be to cage myself in even more.


turbulence

as the whole experience has unfolded, it has been just that - emotional turbulence. which is the worst, but at the same time, i am grateful for the reminder that i care. it's a reminder that i'm human, that i hurt. i feel things deeply and  i care in heart-wrenching, passionate, never ending way. i care about this life and my experiences and who i become and, most importantly, my relationships. and really, i want to live my life in a way that squeezes every drop out of each experience - even the tough ones. 

Comments

  1. Kayla, I am so grateful you wrote about this today. You put into words exactly how I have been feeling and described perfectly what I've struggled to make sense of. Growing up is tough, right? I'm glad I'm not alone

    ReplyDelete
  2. I do love this. Are you guys trying to decide in which direction to move concerning school/moving/future? If that's what you're referring to, I can't even imagine how stressful that must be. For the next couple of years we have our path set, but I don't even want to think about how we're going to make any further decisions after that.

    I feel ya. I also try to make the most out of everything that I can. Sometimes even when I've done enough, I think that I need to do more. Which takes a toll on my mental health. Sometimes I feel like a dry lemon, you know? Like I've been squeezed in every direction and eventually became dry, but the character inside of me still thinks that I need to do more. And I'm scared that if I don't do more, I might miss out on something that I will later regret. I think living with regrets is one of my fears.

    I think all good things take time though and it's very applicable in your situation. You might not have all the answers for the future, but with patience things will be revealed to you and you will know exactly what you need to do and why you've done the things that you have.

    ReplyDelete
  3. i love this, i feel like my whole life has been a serious of freak outs too, and i just did a post on turbulence so i guess we're on the same page :)

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment