a self portrait.



during one of my thousand snapchat conversations i have every day, i snapped this. as i glanced down to add my words to the photo, i kinda stopped in my tracks and had one of those moments where i said to myself, 'holy cow, that's what i look like.' not in a vain way, like i thought i looked good, but in a realization kind of way. this is me, right now. this is what i look like.

deep, wide-set eyes, a narrow face, full lips and a long nose. hair a little tousled and lived-in, as always.  if i look a little harder, i can see see into my eyes a little & see myself. like really myself. horrendously imperfect and familiar with trials, but swimming with hope, full of compassion, and ready to try harder to be the person i dream of. i don't know, maybe that's a little deep for a snapchat conversation, but that picture really did give me pause.

camilla has been doing a series of self-portaits and self evaluations on her blog, and i thought i'd join in and add one. i'm not always in-tune with myself, so in an effort to be more so, here's what's going on with me:

1. i've been feeling pretty on top of things lately - this semester is not a hard one for me, our summer in the bay is looming, and graduation is near. we're right on the cusp of all these changes, and it's energizing. i feel challenged in school, just enough to sense that i am accomplishing something. i have been filling my extra time with books and smothering jordan to death. ;)

2. i received a letter of recommendation from a professor this morning and it made me cry. although i'm sure she exaggerated a little, hearing the phrases "exceptional" "flawless work ethic" "quality of character" and "enthusiasm for life" associated with yourself, i don't know. it just poured a little sparkle into my day.

3. still dying to dye my hair pink. still trying to convince jordan it's a good idea.

4. one of the best feelings ever (ever ever ever) is realizing that you CAN in fact text your sister whenever you feel like it, because she IS home now and has a phone. just seeing her name pop up on my phone screen has me all sorts of giddy. 

5. i have recommitted myself to celebrating the small moments - like good hair days and delicious food and forehead kisses and sunny car rides and those little feelings of peace that you sometimes get. "time stands still best in the moments that look suspiciously like ordinary life."

6. i have felt especially grateful for jordan this week. every day life kinda get in the way of feeling really "in love" sometimes, but this week i've just been like "you are SO hot and SO perfect and SO hilarious." so that's been great. because we didn't get to spend v day just the two of us, he has planned a surprise date for tomorrow (!!!) and my stomach can't even handle the excitement. 




Comments

  1. I love this post and I support it 100%. Don't feel bad about celebrating your best self, it's not vain, it's needed because we're all truly amazing. So happy that your semester is much easier for you. It feels so refreshing to be able to stay on top of things because you're not running around like a crazy person, trying to get everything done. Also, excited about your date and I love what you said about Jordan. I often get that giddy, honeymoon-ey feeling about my spouse too and it's the best feeling in the world! Have fun on your date!

    xo.

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  2. Okay you are beautiful. And everything you said was so eloquently put. You are beautiful - trials and all. Sometimes I think for women it can be harder to find that inner peace with yourself and realize that you are beautiful. I'm glad you are comfortable in your own skin & just so you're aware - from the outside looking in, you are stunning and beautiful and really just amazing. :)

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  3. You are beautiful, outside and in! I think having a good self esteem is very important and as women I think we struggle with it. I wish more of us could look at pictures of ourselves and say 'yes! I am beautiful!' Think of how much better off we'd all be if we could focus on the good things we see in ourselves and not the bad.

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  4. #5. #5 is so so deeply important. You are a beautiful girl, and you are doing beautiful things!

    xo,
    Malia
    littleladychangblog

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  5. i love this post sooo much! and I totally know what you mean about seeing YOURSELF for real! also real jealous about the texting your sister thing. HA let's play soon!!

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  6. this post is perfect, you are so adorable & perfect. i love the idea of checking in with yourself & whats going on with you. i totally get that surprise when you sometimes see YOU it's so weird sometimes, to realize that THAT is who you are! you should never feel bad celebrating yourself, everyone should & need to every once in a while :)

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  7. lady, you are so beautiful! seeing you happy and doing well just makes me all sorts of happy!

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