the last few weeks have been tough in the anxiety department. i try to focus on my day-to-day life, but it's like this shadow following me around everywhere, and it's fear. fear of the unknown. i've been doing a bang up job keeping all my feels and fear under wraps, but the last few days i've been weeping through the seams. jordan will hug me and i'll just start randomly begin sobbing - you know, that kinda stuff that men just love.
i am legit scared. out of my mind. i am moving to a huge city, and upon arrival my husband will be working 90+ hour weeks, so i will have to brave this new life alone. it's a future that's full of possibility and excitement - but also, S C A R Y. i want to say scary a million times, it catches my breath in my throat and makes my stomach do unnatural turns.
i have never lived in a big city before (salt lake doesn't count, right?) and i've never taken the bart and i've never grocery shopped any place except smith's and i've never moved somewhere new where i was going to be straight up starting from scratch. no existing friends, no family, nothing. and i'm scared. change is hard, it strips everything familiar away and forces you to mold. there will be days where i want to move back to provo, days where i just want my stinkin husband to come home, and days where i feel eaten alive. it will be hard - not just once, but a lot of times.
i like to think i'm all brave and independent, and in a lot of ways i guess i am. but my life is really comfortable and familiar right now. and underneath my "i got this!" attitude is a lot of insecurity and a big need for the intimate, the recognizable.
but the intimate and recognizable are not the situations best suited for growth, & i really am grateful, i swear. this is what i want, i know it is. jordan works so hard for our little family and i am so proud of him. we have the chance here to really become bigger people. especially for me - i know that navigating a big city on my own and making new friends and just, figuring life out for myself will give me a lot of confidence - confidence that i couldn't have gained except by this experience. and for that, i should be only grateful and not fearful.
and big cities are dreamy and electrifying and exciting, and i mean COME ON. who should really be complaining about this??!
so i'm just going to keep reminding myself of this:
and carry on.
oh, and also here's a hilarious before/after picture of me getting my eyebrows dyed. (the things we do to look good!) in case you needed a laugh today. because i straight up look like a tranny.