just keepin it real.

so, last night i went to get my eyebrows waxed and tinted by my hair girl. i drove down center street for the thousandth time, into her cute little salon, and was greeted with a warm and familiar hug. (and if tara brooke doesn't do your hair, you're doing it wrong.) because i usually get serviced at night, we were the only 2 in the joint. i laid back in the squishy chair and she started applying the tint. eventually, she exclaimed "oh my gosh! you're moving SO soon! how are you feeling?" i struggled for a second, and then i told her the truth. and it's the first time i've said the truth out loud. i don't know, it just seemed like the right moment to get it out. so here it is:

the last few weeks have been tough in the anxiety department. i try to focus on my day-to-day life, but it's like this shadow following me around everywhere, and it's fear. fear of the unknown. i've been doing a bang up job keeping all my feels and fear under wraps, but the last few days i've been weeping through the seams. jordan will hug me and i'll just start randomly begin sobbing - you know, that kinda stuff that men just love.  

i am legit scared. out of my mind. i am moving to a huge city, and upon arrival my husband will be working 90+ hour weeks, so i will have to brave this new life alone. it's a future that's full of possibility and excitement - but also, S C A R Y. i want to say scary a million times, it catches my breath in my throat and makes my stomach do unnatural turns. 

i have never lived in a big city before (salt lake doesn't count, right?) and i've never taken the bart and i've never grocery shopped any place except smith's and i've never moved somewhere new where i was going to be straight up starting from scratch. no existing friends, no family, nothing. and i'm scared. change is hard, it strips everything familiar away and forces you to mold. there will be days where i want to move back to provo, days where i just want my stinkin husband to come home, and days where i feel eaten alive. it will be hard - not just once, but a lot of times.

i like to think i'm all brave and independent, and in a lot of ways i guess i am. but my life is really comfortable and familiar right now. and underneath my "i got this!" attitude is a lot of insecurity and a big need for the intimate, the recognizable. 

but the intimate and recognizable are not the situations best suited for growth, & i really am grateful, i swear. this is what i want, i know it is. jordan works so hard for our little family and i am so proud of him. we have the chance here to really become bigger people. especially for me - i know that navigating a big city on my own and making new friends and just, figuring life out for myself will give me a lot of confidence - confidence that i couldn't have gained except by this experience. and for that, i should be only grateful and not fearful. 

and big cities are dreamy and electrifying and exciting, and i mean COME ON. who should really be complaining about this??!





so i'm just going to keep reminding myself of this:


and carry on. 

oh, and also here's a hilarious before/after picture of me getting my eyebrows dyed. (the things we do to look good!) in case you needed a laugh today. because i straight up look like a tranny.




Comments

  1. You'll do so great. You really will.
    BROWZ ON FLEEK.

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  2. that quote you posted is everything. you will KILL it out there and it will be scary and you will feel so ALIVE and you will learn so much. but yes, it will be scary and that is okay.
    something that i try to remember when doing big things is that thousands of people have done this thing before - why not me?
    i dunno if that helps you, but whatev. you are so great.

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  3. I feel ya on the anxiety! I moved to a city where I only knew my boyfriend and a couple of friends. It was so scary and intimidating, but it was ultimately the best thing I have done so far! If I can do it then you can too! :)

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  4. Oh my gosh this is perfect. I am in the same situation and you summed up all of my feelings. I totally know what you are going through! It's like you can barely focus on anything else because you just keep thinking about the future. Thanks SO much for sharing! I love that quote!

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  5. Ok, I love how honest you are. I felt the same way when we moved away last summer. I was excited but mostly I was so dreading it. We got to our apartment in Maryland and I just burst into tears. From my perspective, the only thing I can really say is that it will be so hard, so so extremely hard. For a while. Then it will only be hard sometimes and it will be really cool and awesome the other times. I look back on my experience living away and I remember feeling super heartbroken a lot (especially on holidays) but I also remember having the time of my life and an experience that taught me so much. I'm so so sorry that you are in the scary part right now but I promise it gets better. I hate when people tell me that when i'm at the brink of something scary but it's so true. Also there is actually a lot of blogger people that lived in Utah and then relocated to San Francisco, Leah from the Ordinary Snowflake is one that I am thinking of but I know there are a ton others that posted in the Friends IRL group. Anyway, pray like ten times a day. I did and it saved me, haaa. <3 I will be thinking about you!

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  6. ALSO your brows on the before picture make me laugh because I know so many girls who pencil in their brows like that and i'm like nooooooooooo

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  7. Our lives look so different, but I have done my version of this terrifying journey in my own way, and you are right. So scary. You will have moments where everything is so overwhelming that you will just need to let yourself break down. Let yourself break down hard. The rest of the time you will crush it and soak it in because you're a crush it kind of girl. Love you Tater.

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    1. thanks, kar - that's excellent advice. love you.

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  8. i think a little bit of that fear is a good thing to have! san francisco IS a big city and can be dangerous, especially the bart. as long as you are safe and smart, which i know you are, you will have a great time! it will be such an amazing adventure! it's definitely okay to be scared, i think i would be too. love your honesty! and don't forget i'll only be 40 minutes down the road ;)

    xo, k

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  9. lady, you are going to KILL it in San Fran. I totally understand. I have major anxiety problems, and it is something I have been working on for years. I know sometimes that people saying it is going to be okay just doesn't cut it. But seriously lady, it is going to be such an incredible adventure. think of all the things you are going to learn, and a new found independence you are going to discover?! I really am just so excited for you! Pretty please let me come visit you seeing as San Fran is my favorite place ever!

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    1. i'm being 100% serious when i say COME VISIT. sleep on our couch!

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  10. good on you for making that move. I regret not taking the plunge when I was younger… I backed out of a move to London and then never really made it happen again… Life is good, but I never took the plunge as you are about to, and over the years I wish I had. Good luck in San Fran, I am sure it is going to be amazing.

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  11. I absolutely love how you expressed your fears because this is exactly how I feel right now. I didn't move anywhere big and scary but my husband did and left me pregnant here in utah for four months alone and every time I think too hard about it I start to panic. I know it will help me grow and I know it will remind me just how independent I can be but I miss him and I miss the predictability of him coming home every night and watching white collar together in bed. You are going to be amazing in San Francisco and I'm excited to follow along on your adventure!

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  12. You are honestly so brave. When we were in San Francisco last week we were actually planning on visiting University of Pacific, which is one of the schools that Jeremy wanted to apply to. I loved the city soo much, but being there just kind of brought over the realization that we will also be moving somewhere soon (possibly, unless Jeremy gets accepted to a school in Utah). It's a really scary thought. I literally chickened out. I told Jeremy that I can't move there because it's unfamiliar and I don't know anyone and fear fear fear fear fear. So I totally admire you for your courage. You totally got this. San Francisco is your town.

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  13. i totallllly understand your fear & anxiety, i mean, who doesn't get scared when they're moving somewhere unknown full of people they don't know?! i'm pretty sure anyone in your position would be nervous. especially since your husband will be working SO much. while i know that you will definitely have hard times, i know that you'll have even more amazing ones & so many great memories! you might find out that the city life isn't what you thought, or isn't totally something you're into (i've realized that for me since we moved) BUT it is incredibly fun to actually live in a big city at least once in your life. just to get a new feel for it! & kayla! you are theeee nicest & cutest & sweetest girl, i think you will make friends in no time. just put yourself out there & you will find people to connect with in no time, i swear! i'm so excited to hear about your adventure! you're brave to be moving & you're even more brave to be real & tell everyone you're fears. you go girl! (i don't think i've ever said you go girl before, haha)

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  14. I love big cities and couldn't imagine living any other way. You'll do fine.

    /Avy

    http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com


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  15. Haha love the eyebrow picture! I go get my eyebrows dyed every month and it totally reminds me of my own. So awesome. It is always scary and intimidating to make such a big change as to move to an entirely new city/state/place, and especially when you don't know anyone there. I don't know you personally, but from what I have gathered from your blog you seem like a very strong, confident individual who makes friends with ease! I always look forward to your comments on my own blog because they always feel so personal! You have a knack for making people feel good about themselves, and so I imagine you will make lots of friends in no time in this new place! In fact I must admit I am a bit envious of your new adventure. I am kind of getting sick of Utah, haha!

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  16. I just discovered your blog! It is adorable and so are you and I am reading all your posts while I take care of my sleeping babe. Good luck with the move. Take it from someone who has literally moved more times than I can count, it will push you, but ultimately make you a better, stronger person. You are such an awesome person that I'm sure you will do great out there!

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