i thought about pursuing internships in new york, and actually, for a few months i did - but one day jordan sat me down and asked me, plain and simple, if i would move to san fran with him. i felt a lot of clarity in that moment, that going to california with him should superseded anything that would benefit my career. that being a support to him should be my priority. i said yes (which, if you know me, was a hard pill to swallow) and have never really looked back.
i reached out to everyone i knew in broadcasting and asked them for contacts in san fran. i got a few hook ups, and one night in march, i came out of a spin class to a voicemail from abc7. i was recommended from an old new director! they loved my resume! abc7 is the top ranked news station in san fran! i would be getting newsroom experience! i totally clicked with the executive producer! ah. i was on cloud 9 for like, weeks after the fact. this internship was was reward for choosing to be a supportive wife over new york, or so i thought. i already imagined getting the call telling me i had the job, and how i would break the exciting news to my family. (at this point in the story i like to retroactively tell myself, "not so fast, kayla clark.")
i made contact a few weeks later, and then..... radio silence. for two weeks. then two more weeks. then three more weeks. i reached out by email, but again. silence. guys, "i was crushed" is the biggest understatement. i was wrecked. this was it - the job i wanted, and they seemed to want me? but then they couldn't even call me and tell me that i didn't get it? i was totally qualified and recommended, did i do something wrong? i started scrambling for something else, anything else available to me. i interviewed at a few other news stations, and continued to play the waiting game. at this point, it was april and most positions had been filled. i started to regret dropping all of my nyc dreams. i started to question if i was pursuing a dream that was going to end up being dead for me. i was under the impression that everything had clicked into place for me, and then i watched it all be snatched away.
i spent a lot of time on my knees, at the temple, and having bona-fide meltdowns to friends who were willing to listen. i tried to make sense of it - was there something else i was supposed to do this summer? was i barking up the wrong tree? this is a serious LOL moment now, but i wondered if i was going to accidentally get pregnant this summer and that was the reason i couldn't take on a hefty internship. my dad is ill right now, and so i wondered if i was supposed to focus on him and that's why i wasn't getting an internship? maybe i was just supposed to get a good paying job instead to save up money for some unforeseen expense? my mind grasped to make any sense out of my situation. it was a rough couple of weeks, and although i tried to cope with my changing plans, there were a lot of "cry myself tired" nights. poor jordan was beside himself trying to make me feel better.
in the midst of my freak-outs, i kept thinking of a story that tina fey tells in her book "bossypants." (i have listened to/read this book 4 times and it is the greatest. read it immediately.) she remembers her mom babysitting two little greek kids while their parents were at a wedding. they had never been separated from their parents before, so these kids just lost it. at one point, the little boy, who was about 3 years old, started shouting in greek to his sobbing sister. roughly translated, he was yelling, "sister, what is to become of us??" and tiny fey's mom just started cracking up at this kid, pacing in circles, freaking out, when his parents were going to come pick him up in like an hour and everything was just fine. tiny fey talks about how when you freak out, that's how you look to other people. kind of ridiculous, because everything is going to be just fine. i imagine that god gets at least a sliver of humor from watching me sweat it out, very dramatically, down here on earth when my plan starts to get shaken up. anyway.
then last week, after almost 2 months of no contact, i got an email from abc's executive producer. they had been re-vamping their internship program so they were re-organizing everything, they were still interested, and could i possibly be available for a may 27th start date? man i was jolted. i wandered around campus with a wide eyed stare for about ten minutes until the news started to sink in. i tried not to get my hopes up, but it wasn't entirely effective.
long story short, I GOT THE INTERNSHIP! while camping, we came into st george for gas, got service, and ping! my little voicemail dot showed up. it was the executive producer telling me that she had "very exciting news for me." i screamed and punched jordan a few times while our friends congratulated me over and over. it was quite the morning.
i hashed out a few details with the station when we returned from southern utah, and what?? the internship is paid, and paid a lot? i get to be on camera sometimes? no coffee runs? my office is literally 500 feet from jordan's? flexible hours? THIS IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. i had a lot of friends say, "i knew this would happen, i'm not surprised at all." well, I WAS SURPRISED! and i'm so glad that i thought i wasn't going to get the position, because it made getting it 10X BETTER. i still can't even believe it. i landed my dream internship. in san francisco. i'm going to live there, and walk to work with my husband. WUT IS THIS LIFE?!! i 100% believe that i don't deserve for everything to have worked out as perfectly as it did, but i'm going to relish it anyway. i lucked out BIG TIME. i am still pinching myself and randomly shouting to jordan throughout the day, "i can't believe i got abc! is this real life??"
although i am still coming around on this aspect, i am feeling more and more grateful for those months of feeling so lost. i feel like i am learning how to accept things not going your way, to accept that maybe god has a different plan for your life than you wanted. and that's okay. i am learning that i need to turn to Him more, for everything. i am learning to root less of my persona and confidence in my career dreams, and root more of it in just being a good human and rolling with the punches. i am learning to be vulnerable to those around me and share my fears. and i am learning that it's all gonna work out anyway. ;)
|and a completely unrelated photo because every post should have at least one picture.|