July 31, 2015

that day with all of the feelings.

jordan and i are at that crossroads again where we are making really big, potentially life-altering decisions. and although we've thrown some life experience into the mix since the last time we were making these decisions, i still feel like we are completely unequipped to make them. i have this overwhelming sense of  like, WHAT ARE WE DOING? is all of adult life just ad-libbing it? excuse me isn't someone supposed to step in here and help me handle this?? are we ALL just winging it and pretending to have it all together?????

we started off the day yesterday by trying, unsuccessfully, to plan out our moving back to utah, finishing up school, taking job offers situation. when i stepped on the bus to work i just felt completely defeated and exhausted by life, stiff with anxiety and even a little nauseous. i tried to compartmentalize the stress and tackled my work day. if my emotional state was a line graph, i was grazing the bottom at this point. 

as i was leaving work, i said goodbye to ron - it was our last day we would work together. (if you remember, ron has been the ring-leader of this whole anti-mormon parade against the poor little intern, me.) i have worked SO hard all summer to be in his good graces - i let him give me nicknames, i asked about his personal life, i stayed on the ball of every project he gave me. i called it project kiss ass. haha but not really. anyway, on my way out he told me that if i ever needed a recommendation, he would be happy to send me a "glowing" one. (his words!) he told me that my work ethic and character had impressed him, and that i had worked harder than all of the other interns. i'm sure my face just beamed with pride as i walked to the bus stop home. see, you can force someone to like you with a lot of smiling and some authenticity! it made me feel like i had accomplished something BIG with my summer. my line graph jumped to the top. 

i called my mom to tell her -  just in case she wanted to feel some eldest daughter pride, and she gave me some bad news. my dad's last chemo treatment had been pretty rough on him, he landed himself on the hospital (not enough white blood cells!) and they probably wouldn't make it to the bay to see me on monday like planned. my heart sank into my feet and the line graph plummeted. being so removed from this situation and off in my own world makes hearing this kind news even more heartbreaking. my heart ached for my family, and it ached hard.

around dusk, i set out for a long walk to clear my head and settle all of the feels. walking does that for me, it's my true and tested therapy session. the movement of my feet forces all the feelings to bounce around, and then settle into a more comfortable spot. it clears my head and then levels everything out.

i popped in my earphones and started listening to "what a wonderful world" - any version of it i could find on spotify. does anyone else have a "good feelings" song? because this is mine. dozens of times i have listened to this song to feel good about the universe and it work every dang time! the night was perfectly foggy, with just enough of a breeze to make me glad i remembered a cardigan. the weak, dusk light danced on the brightly colored houses and the streets were unusually quiet. i had a bunch of "movie moments" where i peered in on people eating in restaurants, wondering what they were talking about amidst being lost in my own thoughts. (tell me i'm not the only one who has movie moments.) as i approached the water, i saw a family huddled in the front seat of a parked van watching a movie on an ipad and i was like, pulled outside of myself for a second.

i'm actually really spoiled and i live a very charmed life - and although i have my fair share of issues, i had to realize, as i periodically do, that my problems are actually kiiiind of minuscule in the grand scheme of things. jordan and i will figure out our life and be happy - we will. i know that. my dad is going to make it through this illness, he will. i know that. my life is wonderful and exciting and i have the most incredible companion to go through it all with. (also, watching the sun set underneath the golden gate bridge while white sailboats drift along could probably make anybody feel good about their life, so there's that...) these moments of serenity where i can mentally take a step away from the stress and the details are SO dear to me.

and now some pretty pictures for your enjoyment:





5 comments:

  1. you are such a great example to me! praying for your sweet family! let us know if theres anything we can do for you in your move to utah, we would be happy to help!

    xo, kiely
    pocket of blossoms

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  2. You are such a beautiful person, Kayla. Lately I've been thinking about how so many of the bloggers I follow just seem fake and I don't know why I even follow them. But you are real, and I love following your blog, even when I don't spend as much time in the blogosphere anymore. Hope you keep finding peace with all the big decisions coming up <3

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  3. Just reading the first paragraph got me all like "omg, she is reading my thoughts". I remember being young and seeing twenty something year olds as these adults who know what they're doing and where they're headed. And now I'm that twenty something year old and I'm just like "where is my promised road that I'm supposed to have figured out? am I supposed to know what I'm doing and have it all together? was everyone just lying and pretending this whole time????". It's the worst. I feel kind of cheated. Like I'm supposed to have it all together by this point or at least feel confident with where I'm going but I still don't have a clue.

    Side note, if you need help with anything regarding your move- lmk.

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  4. I really appreciated this post, so thank you for sharing your thoughts! I am glad to hear that I am not the only person who feels like I'm just 'winging' this whole adult life thing, haha. Because I seriously have no idea what's going on or how to actually be an adult, but somehow I've made it this far without totally screwing it up, I think? Heaven knows how. I hate those emotionally draining moments in life where everything seems to add up all at one time and the stress just makes you feel sick! But it's important to stay positive, and you are certainly a good example of that! We will all figure our lives out someday, right?

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