i have a myriad of friends getting pregnant and having babies lately - it is SO wonderful and sometimes i feel i could just burst with excitement for them! bringing tiny humans into this world, perfect little souls straight from heaven, swaddled tight like a cute little parcel.
naturally this makes me think about the time when jordan and i will expand our family. it still feels fairly distant - something we will conquer in another life - but there are also times where i feel myself on the brink of gaining a very specific motherly quality, times where i feel close to the children that will be mine.
both jordan and i have had an increased number of vivid dreams about parenthood lately as well - i try not to read too much into it, but i feel sometimes like these dreams are little seeds. little seeds being planted to help us get excited for when it's our time to be parents. (it's definitely working.)
to my future little babes - i hope you know that i think about you often. i hope jordan and i are creating a life and a marriage and a home that will receive you in the best possible way. we are trying to create a home, an existence, that is bursting with love at every turn, and i hope you feel it every day of your life with us.
i am trying to be happy and positive and closer to god every day so that when you get here, you will want to do the same thing. i am studying so i can teach you. i am staying close to the spirit so that He can help me raise you. i am trying to be a more committed, mindful person so that when you join us, i can apply everything i have ever gained to motherhood.
you are going to love you dad infinitely. he is so strong and so steady and so warm. he will protect you from everything he can, and i know he will put his whole life into being a dad like he has put his whole life into being a husband. he will sacrifice a lot, everything, to make you happy and i hope you appreciate that. i want our marriage to be an anchor in your life, and i hope that someday, you marry someone that makes you as happy as he makes me.
i worry that i lack a lot of traditional maternal qualities. i am never described as someone who was "born to be a mom" because i don't like to cook and i'll probably never sew any of your clothes by hand and i might not stay at home with you everyday. but i love people very fiercely and in a very complete way. i'm hoping that will be enough.
i think of how much i adore other people's kids, my husband, my siblings, it erupts out of me. i can only imagine how intense my feelings will be for you! i wonder if you're anxious to join us down here, or maybe you're comfortable waiting a little longer.
i hope i always make you feel loved, welcome in my arms and in our home, and i hope i instill confidence in you to go after everything you want. if i only do one thing as your mom, i want that to be it.
it's important to me that i set an example for you to be ambitious, to never settle. it's important to me that i set an example of living a whole, complete, BIG life.
thanks for being patient while i learn a few things down here to prepare myself for you. i love you.