i just have a lot of feelings.

a few weeks ago outside of zupas, i was having a heart to heart with my girlfriends. it was one of those conversations where you are just laying everything out on the table, getting down to the core of your existence, exposing yourself, and getting nothing but total and complete love and acceptance in return. it was one of those experiences you walk away from saying, "this is why we're on earth, to connect with each other like that."

anyway, as the conversation drifted to marriage, a few of the girls were sharing their thoughts about communication, dumb little arguments, totally normal stuff. as they asked for my input, i suddenly got very emotional. (not totally out of character for me, tbh) 

i told them how i thank heavenly father for jordan every morning and every night in my prayers and how, pretty much every time without fail, i cry. i cry tears of overwhelming gratitude that heavenly father let me have him. that he belongs to me and sticks by my side and is so good to me. it's humbling and i feel insurmountably undeserving of this kind of love, this kind of human. 

i have thought back to some challenges we faced before we got married, and it is astounding to me how headstrong jordan was about getting married. it did not matter the threat or problem that arose, he was going to marry me and that was that. 

i was so timid about taking the plunge and getting married, but just let my spiritual promptings carry me through the process - HOW i have reaped the benefits of this choice!! jordan's existence and our marriage is all the evidence i will ever need that god loves me. he is the reason for everything good and happy in my life.

this conversation at zupas opened the flood gates in a way that i've never experienced before in my life.  i thought i was sappy because i shed a few tears during my prayers, and i had another thing comin!

 think there's a lot of emotion surrounding my life right now - a brother leaving on a mission, moving, changes, etc. but i could not stop crying tears of joy, thankful tears for my life with jordan. 

i called jordan on my way home from dinner and told him how grateful i was for the man he is and the husband he is. (not sure if he even heard me between sobs) then the next morning i recounted the whole experience to my grandma and sobbed again, then wept even harder for her, after she told me how hard it is to lose a spouse and be alone. 

the last few weeks have pretty much been defined by my weepiness - when i am with jordan, when we say goodbye to each other, when i hear a love song in the car, when anyone brings jordan up... gosh do you hate me yet? I AM ACTUALLY a little afraid that this is who i am now??  

but all that aside, these last few weeks of intensified gratitude and emotion have been intensely spiritual. i am so aware of my heavenly father's presence in my life and especially aware that all the good things in my life - my husband, our relationship, a bright and happy future waiting for us in san francisco, are all His doing. it is so humbling, how imperfect i am yet how many blessings He has let rain down on me. 

and although these feelings threaten to smother me, like i seriously feel like i cannot breath sometimes, they are so sacred to me. i cannot emphasize that enough. 

loving someone in such a complete way is exhausting but it makes for the most rich, full life, and it helps me maybe understand a fraction of god's love for us. 

i am reminded of that most famous les mis line - "to love another person is to see the face of god." i feel like i am working everyday to love jordan in a more perfect, christlike way - and these last few weeks, perhaps i have been lucky enough to catch a glimpse of the face of god through this fierce and excessive love and gratitude. 

i wrote this for no other reason that i am bursting at every seam with all of these FEELINGS. and i am sick of crying to be totally real with you, but you guys. WHAT a life it is to feel such complete joy from your marriage. 

our day to day life is just as mundane and littered with arguments and annoyances as anyone else's, and certainly we are in no place to give marriage advice! but i am just so grateful that underneath these earthly things, there is this eternal and powerful love that drives our lives. 

i apologize if this was too sappy for you and if you are totally rolling your eyes at me right now, i get it. but these are my feelings and i want to remember them on days when i feel less surrounded by love.

i wish these feelings on every other human on earth. they make me so whole.


  1. i would like to alter my latest tweet from "looking for a Meg Ryan + Tom Hanks kind of love" to "looking for a Kayla + Jordan kind of love"

    The heart eye emoji wouldn't even do this post justice.

  2. love this!! :) it makes me happy to hear how happy your love makes you :)

    I feel the same -- that's the first (and longest) thing I always do in my prayers -- thank God for Russ and how amazing he is to me. Life is never perfect, but striving for an eternal love makes it so much closer to perfect :)

  3. I love this so much! I'm glad you wrote this out because you put into words something that I can understand so well.

  4. i loved reading this. you are such a sweet & loving person & reading this definitely made me stop & think more about my relationship with my husband & how thankful I am for him. You are the best


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