November 29, 2016

because i never posted about summer in nyc.

here is a photo dump of our time in nyc - jordan did his work training and i played. (pretty representative of who we are as people tbh) there is no place in the world like new york and my time there, wandering the streets of every neighborhood until my feet ached and eating shake shack at an alarming rate, was some of the happiest i have ever spent.

November 28, 2016

thanksgiving 2016.

jordan and i collectively decided when we first moved here that we would spend our first holiday season in the city. we both just started pretty demanding jobs and the stress of taking time off, scheduling flights (all with no promise that jordan would be able to actually get on the plane...) thanks.

we spent our thanksgiving with our downstairs neighbors, the krogues. this family is a heaven-send !!! not only have they done us 8 million favors since we moved in (everything from switching our laundry, to driving us to retrieve keys late at night, to letting us borrow everything they own) but they have really allowed us to be part of their family, they kinda just adopted us right in. i have many friends that feel like family, but we are entering this more adult stage of life where our friends ARE our family. how fitting for us to spend our day of gratitude with some of the people we certainly are most grateful for. 

the boys played in a turkey bowl while i went to a 90 minute spin/abs class (something so satisfying about an intense sweat before stuffing my face) and we split up the cooking. we ate, laughed, rolled around on the couch for a while, listened to christmas music, and then finally poured ourselves into the car and made it to a movie. 

earlier in the day, i decided to replenished myself after my workout with a few oreos (eye roll) no water, and immediately started to cook in a hot kitchen. by the time dinner rolled around, i was feeling pretty sick and unfortunately, spent a good portion of the rest of the night on the krogue's bathroom floor and the bathroom floor of the movie theater. 

although i was still able to enjoy our holiday, this was definitely a mini-wake up call. i get SO caught up in the excitement of the holidays and fitting it all in and having this great time that often, i forget to stop for a second and take care of myself. so here's to marathoning the christmas fun in a healthy way in which i stay hydrated :)

awkward family photo #killinit

November 23, 2016

thankful list 2016

+ first and most importantly, i am grateful for god's love. i am grateful for the simple knowledge that He exists and is aware of me and loves me. it is the solid foundation of my life & truly, i don't know what i would do without it. i was teaching an atheist woman with the sister missionaries last week and it dawned on me, this woman doesn't believe there is a God. she has never sought out His love specifically, and she is totally unaware of how deeply He cares for her. this wave of sadness washed over me and i haven't been able to fully shake it yet. how grateful i am for that foundation stone in my life.

+ i am grateful for a job that challenges me. it is HARD. it is so hard. i am having to learn at a faster rate than ever before, but i feel invigorated and pushed. the people i work with are the smartest, most savvy people i know and being surrounded by a constant stream of information is a whirlwind. i feel pushed to my limit most days, but it is so fulfilling. i feel really lucky to have snagged this job and (most days) i love this season of my life.

+ i am grateful for this city. it is the most colorful, magical, & charming place on earth. i am grateful for the open-minded and welcoming attitude people have here, i am grateful for the good food, and i am grateful for sunsets on the beach.

+ i am grateful that i love to sweat! exercise is one of my favorite parts of life and i look forward to my workouts every day. i am grateful SF offers such a variety of ways to stay active - from reformer pilates machines to real life fight-training. 

+ I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR CITI GROUP'S PROTECTED SATURDAY'S !!! i cannot emphasize this enough! having a guaranteed day together each week to relax and explore and have my husband to myself is everything. it pulls me through every long day, every early morning, every lonely evening. our time together is so limited and it makes these days so precious.

+ i am grateful for our view of the golden gate bridge & i hope it never loses it's luster. we lucked out so hard with this apartment!

+ i am grateful for our friends here that feel like family. they are all such good, solid, righteous people and they make us feel so loved. (i am fully aware that their love for us is a reflection of them and not us.) i am so glad to have so many people to look up to!

+ i am infinitely grateful for my husband - everything good in my life can be traced back to him. it sounds so cheesy, but it's true - he is my dream guy and our marriage brings me more happiness than i ever thought possible. i am grateful he is willing to work so hard for us. 

+ i am grateful that our apartment building is pink. it makes me happy.

+ i am grateful that urban has such cute sunglasses for so cheap - it fuels my addiction.

+ i am so grateful we are enjoying the holidays in the city this year! i'm sure i will feel a little down when i see my families altogether without me, but i am thrilled to have the holidays just US. we are starting our own traditions i think it will be quiet and cozy and simple and perfect.

+ and lastly, i am grateful for ALL the cheesy hallmark movies on this time of year!

November 22, 2016

lds, married, & child-less - finding my place.

these thoughts and feelings are still being formed and processed, so forgive me if they are not totally cohesive, or they are a little harsh. i am still warding off some saltiness about this subject, too.

i feel like i should begin with a qualifier - we love our ward, and feel incredibly blessed to have so many close friends already here - i cannot emphasize that enough. we love our people here - it feels like we have been hanging out with them our whole lives. 

but i have just felt very much like i do not belong, that there is no place for me in the bigger sense of church. and even beyond that, just in this women's mormon social sphere that i am naturally a part of. i have individual friendships, but overall i sometimes feel ... cast out. i feel like an extra body, floating in that space between a couple-family and "real family." 

i get a lot of comments like, "you don't have kids? oh why not! get on that!" and "oh JUST you wait until you have kids! then... blah blah blah." i feel like not having children yet is grounds for dismissal. "oh, it's just you? okay, well you do your thing, i'll strike up a friendship when we have a child in common."

that's what it feels like.

do you remember being single, and anyone who was married would always be like, "GOSH you guys. good things are in your future! you're not living unless you're married!" and you sat there like :| cool. so i'm just supposed to sit here and wait for my life to start. that's kind of how this feels - like, i'm AWARE that kids are amazing and parenting changes your life. i'm pumped! but also, i love my life right now, too. i feel challenged and fulfilled and happy, so don't tell me to "just wait."

most of the moms that i know glean all of their social interaction from playgroups, pre-school, and play-dates at the park, and often they seem uninterested in social interaction that doesn't center around their kids. i totally get that when you have kids - your life centers around them and that equals social interaction. and you just don't have time for everyone. 

i just wish that the moms would look outside of their circle enough to realize hey! kayla is new, she probably needs friends and wants to be included. maybe they assume i have my own set of friends that don't have kids? but that would be SO dumb of us to only spend time with people who were in the exact same life situation we are.

i LOVE having friends that have kids, truly - i really enjoy having a relationship with their kids and i enjoy having my scope widened by spending time with mothers. i guess i am just wishing they loved me back, and wishing i felt like i had a place among them.

i also feel like there is (perhaps) this idea that if you don't have kids RIGHT AWAY, you don't want them at all. where does this come from? recently i was expressing anticipation to some friends (who i have known for years) about having a family. they responded, "woah, kayla? wanting kids? wow!" i was so taken aback! just because i didn't want to get pregnant right away, i don't want kids? where does this narrative come from? it is such a bogus idea because i am so excited for that season of life, and i always have been! excuse me for having things to do with my life before getting knocked up! excuse me for not being on the same timeline as you!

i understand that getting pregnant right away IS the right thing for many people, i understand that kids take up a lot of your time and your capacity for human interaction, and i understand that once you've entered into that stage of life, it's easiest to hang around with people that are essentially, the same as you.

i have come to terms with the fact that i am going to have to weasel my way in to this "mommy group" - and ya know what, that's alright. i'm a good weasel-er. even though i feel a little scorned, i have too many wonderful people in my life to really feel THAT bad about it.

all i am saying is, maybe we should all reach out a little farther, stretch a tiiiiny bit more - because there are people waiting for you on the fringe.

November 2, 2016


in october, i drove myself to utah (not one of my wisest decisions, driving alone cross country?) for my friend cassidy's wedding.

i knew i would be all nostalgic bc that's just who i am, but i wasn't expecting it to be *quite* as intense as it was. don't get me wrong - i LOVE our life in california and i am certain it is where we are supposed to be! but we're still, settling in you know? a lot of it still new, still being figured out.

but driving back into utah county felt like being wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket of familiarity and it felt incredible. every street, every restaurant, every friend felt like coming home. (it didn't help that the entire town was painted gold and red, either.)

i went to the byu bookstore one day by myself, and as i walked across campus i just had an especially intense moment with utah. the air was crispy and fresh, it smelled like freshly cut grass and damp leaves, the tops of the mountains were hidden in fog, the colors of the trees were popping and the day just felt so ... calm. & meditative. & reflective.

i loved our existence in utah and our life was so wonderful while we lived there. it was simple and so, so happy. and GOSH fall in utah is just everything glorious !!! i'll be glad i live in california once winter rolls around, but right now i am just really upset that palm trees can't change color ?!?

i ate ALL of the food and saw all of the people and had all of the fun. all of the girls made it to cassidy's wedding (we are smattered all throughout the US) and the reunion was the sweetest. my friend kayla ended up having a surprise birthday party during my visit, which resulting in the perfect opportunity for me to catch up with all of our boise friends. i felt like i was able to see almost everyone! but as always, i left wishing i had another month to spend visiting friends and enjoying quality time.

mid-way through my trip our downstairs neighbor texted me a picture of our group of friends watching the BYU game and said, wish you were here! i felt truly homesick for san francisco and our friends and our life in that moment.

although it felt a little like my heart being ripped in two, i feel really blessed to feel so connected to and have such love for two homes. utah, i freakin love ya!